bleahhs

2006-09-05T03:16:00.000+08:00

have you ever stood in a crowded room and felt completely and utterly alone?

have you ever known you were loved but never felt like you were able to be wrapped up or embraced in it?

-i have.
everyday of my life.

2006-09-01T05:00:00.000+08:00

it's currently 5am in the morning, and i dunno who im posting this for seeing how everyone thought i closed down this site like two years ago..leaving me free to rant about you as much as i possibly want to, wow. its been two years...gosh. and im still in love with you. what did you do to me mann. anyhows i went out with lynn today. funny huh..you going out with mich and me going out with lynn, but yeahh and i was just telling her about you and how i miss you terribly and all that. and we go for a movie, and my phone dies on me while im watching the show. and how lucky, it was you..and i like finished the show at about 9.45 then headed out side to chill out, i only reached home after 12mid night.. hook up my phone to the charger and was caught unprepared to see your name. why isit you appear always out of the blue. i dunno why. it always happens there's never a time that i find myself prepared to deal with you..but i guess we cant learn to deal with these things can we..gosh. i really really miss you. i dunno why but zena, sandra and lynn being over at my place and like seeing them flirting, rather sandra trying to flirt with lynn again. lying on the couch. the same one we first kissed. brought back so many memories..and i brought out the mattress like how nad was lying there, then we just watched vcds. gosh i havent lay on that couch for the longest time. im so tired that my eyes are rolling back in my head. i dunno what im doing up and why i put myself through all this torture. i kill myself bending over backwards trying to please everybody. and god im so tired..i cant run like this much longer. i dunno whats wrong with me. i know its dumb to hang on to the past..but what if you see no future. what if you cant let go, its not that you dont want to. you just really loved that person very much.

goodnight.

2006-08-24T02:32:00.000+08:00

i dunno why but seeing our picture there.
uploaded in your friendster. under the caption "i remember"
it just made me break down in tears.
i dunno if i was crying cause i was happy or sad.
maybe just overwelmed.
thank you so much.

2006-08-17T03:51:00.000+08:00

its like the harder i laugh in the day, smiling and joking;
the harder it is for me at night.

somone tell me exactly what it is im doing here?

2006-08-17T03:32:00.000+08:00

its been 6mths, 16days, 3hours, 27mins
since you went away..

2006-08-17T03:19:00.000+08:00

what if i had never let you go?
would you be the girl i used to know?
if i'd stayed, if you'd tried..
if we could only turn back time..
but i guess we'll never know..

and if i said we could turn it back
right back to the start
would you take the chance and make the change?

do you think of how it would have been sometimes?
do you pray that i never left your side?
if only we could turn back the hands of time
if i could take you back would you still be mine?

i still cant move on..

2006-08-17T02:51:00.000+08:00

oceans apart day after day
and i slowly go insane...

talk about same shit different day mann.
sighs.
gosh i miss you.
i had another long day again today.
worked. but it was pretty fun la. =)

okayy enough said. sighhs.. =/

2006-08-16T01:59:00.000+08:00

hi again, im back for another post.
its so strange i just posted at my other blog.
but i guess i cant be so open with my emotions.
what exactly am i afraid of?
even im not sure how to answer that.
mich cant figure out what's wrong with me.
neither can i.
i think im just weird and stupid.
no one else would be like this.
sighs.

i had a pretty long day today.
it started off slow cause i woke up only at 2plus in the afternoon.
i changed and headed off to school to hand in my way overdue oop project.
then accompanied philip to his sch to collect cert.
then down to gradens cartel to collect our pay.
i made $380 buck in half a mth, not to shabby..
next mth's pay will be awesome i predict.
anyhows. then stayed there to study..
then headed down to st frances xavier chuch for mass.
its the asumption of our lady's feast day today.
its a day of obligation so i went with mich.
in order to find out what time mass was mich called lydia
who suspected we were there and popped by outside church
she was heading for tuition.
i must say i was dying to get a closer look at her
seeing how i havent seen her for coming four mths now..
but i figured since mich went out i couldnt leave the bag and the seat..
i was scared there'd be no more seats if i left.
but god how much i wanted to see her..
her hair is longer now.
and i bet she thought i didnt wanna see her..
hmmms.
ohwells.

not too bad i learned functions today.
one chapter of maths. i must say i picked up pretty fast.
then after church headed to study again...
then sidetracked and ended up chatting,
finally realised it was like 10.50pm so headed home.
i couldve dropped and walked home but decided to take the long way
by going all the way to the interchange with mich.
felt like taking my time..not rushing home.
so i thought alot while waiting for my bus...
"konstantine" was playing on the mp3.
replayed it till i got to my stop and to my house.
took a shower and decided to msg her.

me:" hello, wanted to say hi just now. but scared i come back no sit. how you been man?"

her:" err..hi. okayy.. im fine. just very busy. jc is tough."

me:" why? hectic? thank god i couldnt get in mann. if not i'd be dying. haha. so how's kyna? she like disappeared off the face of the earth man. im damn happy. i got my pay today. haha."

her:" yeah very hectic. esp for me. kyna is really busy too. good for you. spend wisely."

me:" haha. i AWLAYS spend wisely. haha. yeah. seems like hard work.. alright i'll let you get back to it.. just wanted to say hi. exams coming yeah? all the best then. you take care. maybe we'll catch up sometime. been wondering how you look like without braces. nights =)"

seems rather cold? ohwells.
i dunno la. there's nothing left to be said.
and i love you.
thats all.

2006-08-14T02:03:00.000+08:00

im so tired of saying it.
and im so tired of feeling it.
dont get me wrong i love you.
bu im just so tired of loving you.
its to trying, so tiring, so emotionally draining..

i dunno what you did to make me fall this deep.
and i dunno how to break this enchantment.
its rediculous be living this way..
god i dunno what to do! fuck.

my heart is far to weak to be running for you this long.

i love you until my heart broke.
and i'd do it all over again in a heart beat.
i never wanted to let you go girl.
why'd things have to turn out this way?
sighs.
your more beautiful then the night.

because i woke up lying in a patch of four leave clovers.

2006-08-11T02:41:00.000+08:00

im still in love with you girl.

one yr ago today we bought the ring. i wonder if you remembered.

2006-08-07T23:44:00.000+08:00

i'll smile for you~

i dunno what else there is to say. my eyes are majorly sore from crying..and cause im super tired. sighs. i miss you. why is it that just when i was accepting things that you had to appear again. what if there's no resolution for me? what if this is going to be a vicious cycle. sighs. do you realise that 8th augest two yrs back you were at my family camp? haha. that's the first time we kissed technically. lols. yeah your cousin came too. and my big tent rmb..im so tired..gosh. walnut looks really good now..i miss him. maybe someday..or maybe not. i'll get to see him. sighs. okayy im too exhausted. goodnight.

i wonder where you are?

i wonder what your thinking bout' tonight..

2006-08-04T00:36:00.000+08:00

she's the one you see
what more can i say?
got the voice of an angel
perfect in everyway
from two till six
we talked, we kissed
the night was perfect bliss
and i never felt like this
holding hands with her through the night
i was scared, everythings all right
i know im young
she's smart, im dumb.
we leaned in for a kiss
and i never felt like this
this is a girl who defines beauty
with her long black hair
i cant see why everytime i kiss her
i go weak in the knees
hr name is L**** and ~~she wants me.~~
as i think in my room of the feelings i have spawned
i remind myself in one year six months you were gone
my time with you my dreams come true
and with you i cant miss
and i never felt like this
this is for the girl who defines beauty
with her long black hair
i cant see why everytime that i see her
i go waek in the knees
her name is L**** and ~~she wants me.~~
i wrote this song to get you out of my mind
but since i did, i think about you all the time
this is for the girl who defines beauty
with her long black hair
i cant see why everytime i see her
i go weak in the knees
her name is L**** and ~~she wants me.~~
~~she wants me.~~ and i want her.

2006-08-03T23:28:00.000+08:00

if i had one wish~
i wouldnt be greedy and ask for a lifetime with you.
i would settle for one day in your life.
and in that day,
i dont even have to be anyone special.
just a friend. normal friend by your side.
watching you laugh and smile.
what i wouldnt give to see your face..
listen to you laugh..
watch you smile.

why cant i move on?

2006-08-03T22:59:00.000+08:00

i dunno if its the stress and lack of rest im getting these days, or the insurpressable mount of emotions i've been trying so hard to contain. but im really frustrated. confused. stressed. listless. tired. exhausted. lonely. depressed..tonight..myabe it'll just be for this night, and maybe it'll go away real soon. i dunno. but i just really hope it does. cause i dont like feeling this way. im this close to giving into my emotions and like erupting. and im afraid of what skaletons will come out of my closet if that happens. i've got so much, hurt. disappointment. angry. frustration. loneliness. pain. guilt. sorrow. in my heart. inside..and im scared of losing control..im a control freak. a emotionless unfeeling robort. i dont like the idea of not being to cortrol my emotions. there are eeexxxxttrrreeeeemmmmllllllyyyy rare occations when i did, and they werent pretty. i have an extreme fear of appearing weak. i just want to be happy. i've said it so many times tht i've lost count. do i not deserve to be happy. i just have so much in my head..in my heart. and im trying i really am. i just want some peace of mind.

all my feeling have seemed to escalated..and i have no idea why im this down today. im noramlly able to control it. but tonight its threating to spill over..with contents so mysterious that even i couldnt tell you about. sighs. i really do miss you. sighs. but dont get this wrong..its not totally about her again. im just overwelmed with all the things i've got going on..
oh i went to this junior who i think is uber hot the blog just now. too bad she's sodamnyoung. i think she's like ten times hotter then be***a loh. anyways.. i was looking through this thingy she has that counts down days for you? not just the days but the hrs and mins too. and like her's was a countdown to the 11may2006??!!! i was like...HUH? yeah ohwells.

why do i love you?

2006-08-02T03:41:00.000+08:00

im hollow and aching.
my heart that is...

i seem to be forcing myself into exhaustion..but like i couldnt help it..not even if i wanted to, this distructive cycle im leading myself into. its not disable to the naked eye..and only upon closer scrutiny would one discover that my carefully applied make up is really all it is- make up. make believe. but its not wrong, we all have our secrets, we all have of sob stories..im pretty sure so many like me are aching and longing for something we cannot have.

the sweetest love;
is forbidden
the most touching love is;
unrequitted
and the most heartwrenching love is;
love lost..

--------------------------------------------------

i wonder how you're feeling tonight,
and if things are really alright.
i hope you have someone by yourself side,
helping you along, being your guide.
i feel like im living a half life.
one without you just doesnt feel right.
and if i could just hold you tonight.
i'd honestly feel like everything will be just right.
and now i wonder, even in slumber;
lying wondering if you wonder bout' me sometimes.
the clock is ticking, my heart racing,
i feel you breathing by my side..
almost exactly like that night.
oh how it felt so right..
just holding you that night..
i never knew how lovely a sin could be,
until i opened the door and you made me see.
how life was meaningless and so empty.
you are the one; my everything.
so please dont go, oh wont you stay,
come lay beside me once again.
dont say it's too late.
i know you dont believe that we could be..
but girl, gimme a chance..
i'd make you see..
cause there's no one for me but you.
and i can't compare every other to you.
can't live a lie no more.
your the girl i adore.
no other hand fits just right..
and no other smile seems as bright.
i'll say goodbye for you..
and girl you know that i'll stay true..
no one will love you like i do;
cause i loved you till it broke my heart.
but i'd do it again, right from the very start.
we live as strangers..
masquerading as friends.
oh dang! i must be feeling lonely again.
i wish i had one last kiss before you'd gone.
oh how i wish and i just want to know;
girl, tell me you really loveD me..
"hello there stranger, so how have you been?"
-it's been three months long..
this is the state we've resulted in.
over friendly "hellos" and too bright smiles.
cause your so high and im still here.
for you i've shed a thousand tears.
still wishing you were here.
i've got no words to describe,
exactly how you make me feel inside..
i just hope you wont forget,
and i'll never regret. never forget..
cause girl, you were. and still are..
~the best thing about me.

my post always seem so long..and i always seem to not be able to move on. gosh. dont worry i'll hold it all in, im not a kid..i can take it. i think im working myself to death..i look shockingly pale. and im not the one who notices it. its my classmates..exhaustion....ohwells! i dreamt of someone just now in the early evening during my nap, i dunno who she is or where she came from, she probably doesnt even exist. but well...she was pretty. im dead beat. gosh work again tml..haha. its so tiring..but the people there are nice..i guess i'll be staying put there. i havent seen you for three months..wow. so long..i wonder....how your doing. i miss looking at you..i miss you smiles. your smiles that were for me..your smiles when i did something that made you happy. do you think of me sometimes looking at the things in your room. do you remember the crazy things i did for you? the letters and stuff? i remember your card after we ended things- "life is so different without you by my side.." that card. i still have the framed paper that you wrote " i love you" on with wax on valentines day last yr remember? its sitting infront of my bed on top of the tv..i see it every night before i head to bed. ohwells. enough of my thoughts. i'll go sleep now..its 4plus. gotta wake up at 6 to mug again. nights.

2006-08-01T03:00:00.000+08:00

the more i try to hide that im happy the more pain i feel. but i really dont want to bother anyone else with my sob stories. i mean we all have them..i dont have to burden any else with mine. sighs. its funny how fake my words are..

you need me like a bad habit says:
im good. as long as theres school im good
you need me like a bad habit says:
hahah
you need me like a bad habit says:
you?
burning up something beautifulsays:
im very happy with life.
burning up something beautiful says:
its meanful la.
burning up something beautiful says:
meaningful.
burning up something beautiful says:
*beams
you need me like a bad habit says:
=)
burning up something beautiful says:
=D
you need me like a bad habit says:
thats real good to hear
burning up something beautiful says:
haah
burning up something beautiful says:
yupps
burning up something beautiful says:
it cant get anybetter
burning up something beautiful says:
i'v got sch, iv'e got friends, i've got a family, i've got work..
burning up something beautiful says:
its come full circle..
burning up something beautiful says:
what more could i need..
burning up something beautiful says:
haha
burning up something beautiful says:
=))

thats me in green and mich in red...sighs. tell me how am i suppose to live without you? now that i've been loving you so long..im suppose to study but im tired...gonna post then head to bed. i wanted to cry having said those words. it pained me so much typing those shit out. its not right, its not fair, missing you, baby cuts like a knife..what if you were the love of my life?

my mind is currently quite blank and im at a lost for words to explain how im feeling, i just know im not a very happy child...but its okayy..haha. if i believe im happy, i will be..cause the mind is powerful..but the heart is weak.. and if i believe im fine..i will be. how are you doing? i just want so much to see you..even if just a glimse.

2006-07-30T02:09:00.000+08:00

they say that the worst way to be missing someone,
is to be sitting right next to them..
but knowing you cant have them..

well, i guess if thats the case then im pretty lucky dont you think?
i dont see you at all. hah! but sometimes, i dunno..
sometimes..i wish i could..your so beautiful..

~such a beautiful disaster.

2006-07-30T00:45:00.000+08:00

its amazing, i mean of course it could has be due to the fact that i havent seen her for so long. but then again i know it cant possibly be, because even mich said to me that she's growing prettier prettier. and yeah...from the picturess.....and...yupps! she did.

you know i was working just now, and like i worked inside shift today la..then like i just happened to like go out to help serve some tables cause the outside runners were busy, then like suddenly i caught a glance of this three girls..and then for a moment i though it was you, then i looked longer..but they were walking away and i only had view of their backs..but she looked so much like you even the way she walked..the built was also about there...and like i just i dunno. i got real quiet after that..i dunno why i felt sad. but i did..it was like having the wind rushing out of me..all the energy gone. part of me wanted the person to turn back..so i could see if it was you, and the other part wanted the person to just walk on..thats what they did nautrally.

sighs. another day spent. another day. plain and mundane.
i just wonder sometimes..i mean not that you have to love me or anything, but i just wonder if you ever think of me..like do i cross your mind at all? like when you see the things that were from me in your room..when you wear the necklances do you go "oh yeah, mitch got this for me.." or like when you see the red pillow that i sewed "princess lyds" on your bed..is it still on your bed? what about walnut? how is he doing? i just wanted to know if i ever like just flashed cross your mind, if even for a ramdom moment. or am i totally forgotten. OHWELLS.
just another night.

i just like posting with songs.-

I used to call you my girl
I used to call you my friend
I used to call you the love
The love that I never had
When I think of you
I don't know what to do
When will I see you again

[Chorus:]
I miss you like crazy
Even More than words can say
I miss you like crazy
Every minute of every day
Girl I'm so down when your love's not around
I miss you, miss you, miss you
I miss you like crazy

You are all that I want
You are all that I need
Can't you see how I feel
Can't you see that my pain's so real
When I think of you
I don't know what to do
When will I see you again

[Chorus]

2006-07-29T04:27:00.000+08:00

i dunno what to blame it on, maybe its the fact that i was drinking just now..or maybe it's cause the 27th was just yesterday. but whatever the reason, i miss you. gosh. hahaha. it so funny! it's like im so near you because im in gardens, but yet im so far away..i could be in a different country and it wouldnt make a difference..its amazing really. how you stay so close to my heart even after all this time. you have no idea how sick i am of feeling this way. haha. i mean had i choice i'd wanna be done with this..but OHWELLS.
i just got home from cartel..a few of us stayed back to drink..played truth or dare..sighs. i really do hope your happy, sincerely. i wont deny that it hurts just thinking that you've forgotten me, that i no longer run through your mind. and i wont deny that there's a sour feeling thinking of you with someone. or having someone in your mind. sighs. but im not an ass, i still wish you happiness. i wish that everything goes your way, that life treats you kind, that you find a true love, that you'll be sincerely loved, that you'll achive all you set out to, that your life with be pure bliss with so many happy moments you cant count and so little sad ones that one hand is enough to count them, i wish you happiness, love, laughter, kindness, forever be as you are. your beautiful..i hope that you'll know that there will always be someone who will love you no matter what, someone who will think of you everyday regardless. someone will always love your smile. and always think the world of you. as well as always think your one of the most beautiful creatures that god created.

2006-07-27T22:30:00.000+08:00

about two weeks back i started typing a story about us. as in our story. how it started..how it ended. i havent completed it. i told myself im over you..and for awhile there..i actually believed myself..cause i stopped feeling so down and sad and everything. but then..today. D day. the 27th july. i had to spend it alone. it sucks la. not that i expected to spend it with you seeing how you already forgot. but like i felt so hollow. and thats when i realised that i havent actually gotten over you. i've just learned to block out thoughts of you. and it's not that im no longer hurting. its just that im numb..the pain never left..i just got so used to it..that i thought it wsnt there anymore. i laugh. still i guess i have fun. thats a good sign right? exams are coming. its really hard to live through this night.

two years ago today, you came over to my house with nor remember? haha. you guys broke my chair both sqeezing into it at the same time..the cloth tore la. with all your dumb whisperings while i made maggie mee for you guys. and i was the sick one? that night while msging i asked you if what nor said about you liking me was true and you said sorta. and although at that point i still liked kyna, i somehow felt compelled to give this thing whatever it was..with you a try. we went through so much in that short period of exactly a month. i remember our first outing with kyna, helena and terri after the national day celebrations..the stupid movie..holding your hand for the first time..mos burger starwberries..then i remember you coming for my family camp thingy at changi beach..you brought your cousin remember? we had so much fun. remember truth of dare? haha. then i remember after dancermaina..how things ended. how i held back tears after you told me and even laughed with you till your ride came. then cried as i watched you turn your back and enter the car..things would be different from then, i knew it. how i struggled..and you too. after that..and how to my surprised things started up again the next year even progressing. ALOT further...i remember being sick and buying mos starwberries for you running to school so they wouldnt melt and begging gen to pass it to you cause you were sad. asking you out for valentine's day and so afraid that you'd say no..and being so happy when you said yes. remember the cd you burned for me..and the candles that i made to spell out "happy vday lyds" while you fell asleep listening to the cd you burned, in my room? i buried you under pillows so you wouldnt see it cause you refused to stay outside..and you kept complaining hot. lols. i remember we gradually got closer.. your brithday, i ran around like mad rushing planns..gettting you stuff. then surprising you but screwed up the location..wanted to send you home in a cable car..but in the end only managed to cab back cause you were late? lost my wallet? remember the pillow i sewed? and then remember we started tuition together with mich. and had so much fun. haha. remember on the 27th last year i got you a jigsaw puzzel pendent and i had the other half? and you baked for the first time for me? and i made sure i finished the whole cake? i still have that touching letter you wrote to me..the big yellow one with my name in the center..then the time we ditched tution and our teacher jeremy just to go buy rings on the 11/8/05. and how we went from bishan to town then to p.s then back to town and finally settling on the pair in p.s? haha. by then we were so late for tuition we didnt go? and jeremy was so mad that we decided to get him apples, you a red one and me and mich a green one each? remember betina? and how we argued/fought...and the BIG cold war we had? it was the first time i didnt budge. man.. oh and the hammies?? walnut and peanut! peanut got injured rememeber? and you sent her to me for treatment..brought her to the doctors? then like soon after you had to go for a holiday..so you brought walnut over too.. and thats the day that i'll always remember. a full day with you. you were flying off the next day remember? watching c.s.i..then doing other stuff. my parents were out of town..then i stayed up the whole night even though you fell asleep on the phone again. stayed up just listening to you sleep. we didnt need words..i didnt..stayed until six am..and the day before, we went for a movie with mich then you headed home..then met up again later with jeremy at gardens. liquid kitchin..drank and nearly got caught? thats the night i pierced my lip? and you couldnt decide if you liked it? but that was after Os and after grad night remember? i still remember that we werent talking..right up to grad night the night itself..then somehow we just clicked that night..i bought you a watch..you were crowned miss ij. you looked so awesome....then i went clubbing..drank too much and got drunk..spoiled our prata plans? but you came to meet me anyways..and stayed with me in my hotel that whole night? nursing me while i lay on the floor next to the toilet? i remember looking at you..you were leaning over me while i was on the floor trying to get me to drink water..mopping my face..i remembered telling you i still wore the ring..you just smiled. the light was behind you and you looked so pretty..with your hair falling down the side of your face as you tilted to one side amused to see me in that state i suppose..i was too giddy to stand. but i knew what was going on..then you lay down beside me, you being the princess that you are, lying on the toilet floor..without any complains..and when i asked why? you simply said as if it was the most natural thing in the world to do:" you cannot get up so i lie down with you la.." so sweet. you actually gave up going back to your hotel and chose to sleep with me on the carpeted floor. thank you lydia. i never saw that nursing side of you till that night, i guess i never gave you the chance to look after me before then huh? really. thank you.
then remember i stayed over at your house with mich on new years eve. and wow, that was the sweetest night. then we went for della's part the next day? it was a sunday i remember..mich got so drunk she couldnt go home so she stayed with me. then my birthday this year? remember there were so many things you wanted to get me but i refused to let you? but the crumpler..=)
then later. i had things bad at home and you were there for me through out it all. supporting me. you saw me cry. and even at the begining, when i lost my matches? you were there too. and you were always there. i got so used to you being around i didnt know and want to know life without you. i couldnt even remember a time you werent there. i remember how i struggled with the pain that gripped me..constantly crying just at the thought that i realised that i needed to let you go? cause i didnt think you'd make a decision..and i didnt want to just drift apart silently. although we werent together..but still i believe there was something. and how i cried and cried when i finally made a decision to let go. i didnt even do it right. all i did was type something on my blog and asked you to read it. what a coward. im soo sorry lydia. sometimes i think i might have made the wrong move..but whats done is done. i remember so many things that we did..some many things to you did..good and bad that made me love you more and more..and how i had to watch it slowly detoriate into nothing..watch without being able to do anything about your leaving me...forgetting me..not even being able to be your friend. i remember crying so many times..im surprised my body didnt turn into ashes. and that empty feeling i had when i had to take off the ring. watching everything silently as if from outside my own body..why did i never say anything to you i wonder sometimes. but there's nothing that can salvage the situation now. its been six months since things ended. how time passes and still i am here. i miss you lydia.. and i'll always love you. even if only from the heart. silent and not expressing it out.
many have asked why i dont look for another. but nothing can compare in this world to you. i'll always see someone with potential then think of you and how you were..and how much i loved you. and how perfect you were for me. you had the makings of the one i wanted. scary how i can love you so much. but i have no explaination for it. its like i walked into a shoe shop, and found the perfect fit, the one i found most suited and most comfortable in. but then realised that the price wasnt something i could afford. out of my reach. thats you to me. and from then on everything else i looked at only half hearted. it catches my eye..but then it always lacks something that you had. so gradually i stop looking. im not, not open to possibilties. just i havent found anything. i just revisited every moment of everyday in the two years. at 12 mid night i have to remove the ring.. there's no mircle thats going to happen. i just want you happy. ilu

2006-07-22T02:11:00.000+08:00

i wouldnt say im missing you 24-7 nowadays.
rathe, i'd say that i have PANGS.
moments when i suddenly think of you and..
well..miss you. funny enough..
since im working soo near where you stay..
but no i dont think of you all the time.
im too busy. thank god for my job..
if not i dunno how im gonna live...
sighs..
its only another 5days till its two yrs of me liking you.

today ashia, saw my wallet by accident.
asked to see the photos..she was like your gf arh?
ohwells. sighs.

okayy. no more thinking mitch.
im in better control of my feelings now.
but i still love you. alot.

2006-07-18T23:49:00.000+08:00

cruel to the eye..

i dunno why its so strange, but like sometimes it feels like you know, im totally fine and other times it just makes me feel sick in the stomach thinking of you. i know you dont realise it but im still in love with you. just more or less numb to the pain. such that i dont feel it so much now.

you know the other day, i was just chilling with my cousins, not a thought of oyu ran through my mind. (i've been working at perfecting that "numbing" thing for pretty long now. i just stop thinking.) and then after hours of ignoring my phone, i decide to check it to see if my mom called me. i saw that there was one miss call, and two msges, and was thinking my mom probably called to ask me if i needed a lift home. so the call was from my brother, and like i opened the msg, never expecting to see you name. but, one of the msg was from you. and that was such a "dajavui" moment. cause just below it was like 70plus old msges from you, they were patterned..the top most being the "fall apart" period, while the first msg was totally the begining. and seeing a msg from you on top of all that was so strange. and i felt so scared to open it, i was so worried that i'd see a harsh msg with you scolding me about something. and in stead i got a hi, that made me so sad and happy at the same time. i cried..that was such a loser thing to do but i couldnt help it. i guess i really love you alot and i dont even know why? i mean i know why, but i dont understand why im like this. sighs.

i just want to stop hurting. i mean im actually scared to see you you know. like im worried how to react. i just wished i could happy. ohwells.

2006-07-14T02:30:00.000+08:00

omg.
girl, i think i really loved/love you.
cause even after so long im still missing you so.
and i still think of you. and it freaks me out to think
your with someone now. sighs.

catch me off guard.
everydamntime.

2006-07-13T00:41:00.000+08:00

hello nobody!
i've jsut decided to start using this site again. i know no one will see my posts cause they all think im using the other blog..but anyhows. im posting here exactly cause no one will know..sighs. i dunno if i still like you yeh know. its so irriatating. one one hand its not like im crying anymore. much. but i still, if i could, would want you. i cant believe how things ended and how we are now. and how much im still wanting you even after so long. omg im going crazy. the reason i have to blog here is simple. cause i told everyone im over you. and im acting like it. i told even mich that. and she knows the whole story. the reason? i dunno i just felt like i should. but im still crazy over you. i never want anyone else. gosh! fuck it. sighs..i know, i know. im not suppose to like girls. sighs. i dunno what to say anymore. your just so damn incredible. NO ONE in this wrold could replace you in my heart. or i dont see it la..i dunno im just not interested in other girls. its like i will notice that some girls are damn pretty...but so what? im just taking them for face value? but for you, everything is prefect. all the flaws. and the good. everydamnthing. everytime i think i see someone that catches my eye, i immaidately start comparing them to you. i know its wrong and i should get over you. and trust me i want to...cause i think i seem totally loser this way..but yet at the same time..i cant. and i dunno why also? its not like i havent tried. gosh. why is this so hard? im like six months into this shit and yet here i am still pinning over you. why cant i get over you? its killing me. okayy actually its not cause i can deal with it day to day. its just that. i miss everythign you know? miss having you around. your such a joy to be around. and i dunno the thought of you being with someone else. hugging that person. kissing that person. loving that person...man will he be lucky. sighs. i cant la..im so scared...for some reason, when i see you come online i'll get a shock, and check my msn nick incase it gives something away. and like i dunno seeing your photo kills. and photos with us? i'll never get that again. fucking sad. omg. I REALLY FUCKING LOVED THIS GIRL. AM LOVING. ALWAYS LOVE. how??????????
so furstrating. what am i going to do? she doesnt even care or give a damn about me anymore. that fucking hurts, do you know how that feels like? being abandoned? being forgotten? omg. HOW DID IT COME TO THIS. lydia, tell me why? why this had to happen? why you left and came back makign the feelings stronger times tenthousand. and left again? its only 14days till its been two years of me loving you. what am i going to do if even a year from now im still loving you? what if one day you walking cartel with your boyfriend while im working? what am i going to do. i'll freak out. omgomgomg. kill me please. killing me softly...with her song. your so different.

2005-07-20T07:23:00.000+08:00

hello ppl im closing this site.
Os are coming i've got no time to post anymore
will reopen a blog after the Os are over?
lols.
cheers all.
loves.

2005-07-14T08:53:00.000+08:00

today was rather uneventful.
the night before was so much more interesting.
imagine this:-

its 11plus at night and im totally wiped out.
just as im slipping into sleep, my dad wakes me
and tells me to hurry up and come help him outside.
so still stoned from sleep, i try to find my glasses in the dark
all the while wondering what it is and where on earth did i left my glasses.
i reach blindly in the dark for it and finally stumble outside to help my dad.
i reach the kitchen, and then, i see the sink- blood red.
(i am to find out moments later, it IS blood..)
dad is holding his hand. blood is dripping non stop.
i wake up immediately, any sleep that was still in me completely lost.
i notice now that there's also broken china in the sink, mom's fav pot.
dad was aparently cleaning it and broke it. it sliced his finger open..
the bleeding wouldnt stop.
i helped him clean up the mess..all the while dad's still wondering if he should wake my mom cause we both know she'd freak out. i try to stop the bleeding the best i can and bandage it,
the first round is unsucessful, it doesnt stop bleeding.
we apply pressure for about five minutes and finally it stops.
i clean the blood off the wall and cabinet where it kinda splattered a lil, then call my mom only when there is no more traces of blood..
we keep it a secret from her how bad the cut really is.
then dad and her goes off the see the doc.
and i head back to bed. dead tired but unable to sleep.

dad needed five stiches in one place and seven in another.
what a night i tell you.

okay so you kinda made the first move. but you never said sorry. and i really wanna just let it go like that..but come on, liking you doesnt give you licence to throw your anger around at me. im not really that mad but i just want you to know you gotta consider other ppl's feelings more. your not a five year old who doesnt know how to think. you cant just go bulldozing over ppl's hearts. it was near impossible to get out of bed for me initionally, but i got over it. anyways i guess things should be cool with us now? but i kinda lost my way. ohwells. just so you know, i wasnt distancing myself from you. i was trying to keep myself from getting hurt by your frosty attitude and piercing words.
hmmms..tuition tml should be interesting..

nothing's changed..

2005-07-13T12:51:00.000+08:00

your cold with disappointment
while im drowning in the next room
the last contagious victim
of this plague between us
im sick with apprehension
im crippled with fear
and i dread the moment
you finally come to kill me.

i cant believe you said that..

2005-07-09T09:45:00.000+08:00

hello ppl, i havent been blogging again...imma so lazy..also, i havent really had the time to use the com lately. gosh so much has happened since then. but it would be too time consuming and bothersom to dig those facts outta my head and place them into understandable sentances such that ppl will know what the hell im talking about. lols

today was so dumb. school was redundent, like i had a maths test and attended geog lesson only, cause why? other then that was chinese, which i dont take and english and pc and my teacher wasnt in school la. so basically i toyed with the idea of leaving school the whole day..but didnt in the end. wanted to go visit lyds casue she's sick but circumstance didnt allow it; that being her dad and something else. was pretty cheesed off for quite awhile when a small gift was nearly destroyed to an unfixable(sp? -is there even such a word? lols.) state. yeah but i somehow managed to undo the damage and yeah its all good now. then challanged celest and caryn to one of those word puzzel games? the kind where the quicker the eye the better. (: btw caryn and gina coming over tml to watch caryn's vcd then we might head down to sentosa to watch lyds,kyna,ming and all perform. but got bio lessons tml morning..gosh and im going down to school from changi? dont even ask.

so anyways..ytd was in major depressed mode..mich would know huh? smoke in our faces, people watching (its kinda a hobby i picked up subconsiously)..ohwells. ohohoh! bigbig thanx to the bballers for the SEVEN mths late bday card. ahaha although i kinda made them feel guilty thats why i have it now.. *beams*
alrighty thens. (:

lyds: hey you, get well quick alright? you just aint your usual bouncy self. oh and stop pms-ing..being hungry isnt an excuse. (: congrats on clinching fourth ytd yes? and good luck for tml..rmb to bring alot of water yeah? its gonna be real hot? -hugs. take care now. loves.

2005-06-26T08:08:00.000+08:00

after so long i still havent the patience to sit down and write about bball camp. all i can say is it was a blast and that i am really greatful to have such sweet and wonderful juniors, in my effort to explain how wonderful they are; words have failed me. i just hope they in turn get juniors as wonderful as themselves. anyways. i think the hols just flew pass. one good thing though i've started maths tuition so at least i wont go back to school not knowing anything, i turned up for one week's worth of biology and physics. which i must say did help a little bit, on the bad note i havent done much of maths homework except for my tuition one, and even that i didnt do all that much. english is almost done though. hmmms can anyone pls tell me what else we have to do? i kinda lost the homework sheet. hee.
yupps. i've been having too much fun this hols. ohwells. guess i'll have to shift gears when school starts on monday. goodbye life hello books. (:
nvm i can do it. ahaha okay im gonna head out to connie's house warming soon. bballers all gonna be there. i hope her mom doesnt think im a guy or anything. can just imagine. :" xiao di di, ni ren she connie arh?" okay that was just my over active imagination. ohwells. spiderman tml. yay! did i ever tell you i wish i was super human too? except i dont wanna be spider-like..i wanna be something that can jump real high. hahaha. im such a kid. yeah. okay..guess i better go on and bathe now. most of the ballers are there already. oh one more thing.

I GOTT MY WATCH!!!! WAHAHAHA. *SMIRKS*
and

i miss you. but shh.. (:

2005-06-19T14:08:00.000+08:00

im kinda nott all here right noww.

update about camp tml or something. =/

btw i have new found love and respect for my juniors. (:

thank you. =D

2005-06-17T07:14:00.000+08:00

i know im starting to become rather perdictable
but i cant help it..
i hate the person in the mirror.

right now i feel like crap..someone shoot me? seriously. i dunno why? okay that's it. no more thinking about things at i know i cant change. just screw everything. i've got Os coming. and im gonna do something about it. so if i dont agree to go out or anything, guys bonding will just have to wait. im not gonna risk failing my Os or not doing well. you guys always said i dont do things for myself? well. this is for me. sighs. cant believe what a mess i've made of myself. i gotta clean myself up like NOW. and there's not a minute to spare. i hope you all unerstand. i hope i stick to this. i've got a short attention span after all. (:

camp tml..yay? hmmms not really in a camp mood. both mock exams i took so far have been rather bad. improvement but bad nonetheless. how? so frustrating. 46 freaking points is nothing to laugh about. laughing does nothing for me but hide my embarassment. ohwells!
hmmms i hope bball camp will make me alil happier. sigh. im really leaving ij this year. and i know no matter what we say, chances are we'll leave each other behind. i just know it. i'll never be able to keep all these ppl that i really dont wanna lose. and THAT makes me damn sad. cause im not ready to leave. i wanna start again in sec1, i'd do things differently. roars! im feeling so crappy! ahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahah. i really need time... to sort everything through.

lunched with kyna today. ahaha had fun. but i cant seem to remember what happened? all i remember is us both complaining we were hungry, but not being able to finish the food? then feeling very bloated. ohwells. i got homework to do. bye all.

i need to learn to shut up. humans cant be trusted.

2005-06-16T09:37:00.000+08:00

yay!! i had company today...
caryn came to my house.. hee (:
i managed to get some sleep
but then daddy was home
and he was saying i was a bad host
cause i was sleeping and caryn was using the com?
felt abit bad so i didnt sleep anymore after that..
just kinda rolled around in bed..*grumbles*
ohwells.
caryn: sorry k? know you wanted to download songs.
hmmms and i got super duper ALOT more songs in my creative zen now..
wahahah.

yes well other then that, life has been rather boring.
school this whole week... =/
mitch has been studying ppl! now arent you guys proud of me?
stupid pretty girl and strewberry of my eye so bad k!
they were shocked that i bothered to come for lessons and study all.
am i that bad? ):

kyna!! remember im here for you alright. ((: hugs.
yes had a long chat with kyna last night..till about one plus.
nice chat huh?

then called miss-im-pms-ing, aka lyds.
ohwells.
is it possible to get a headach from lack of rest? hahaa..
im contented now. *beams*

no expectations, no disappointments.

dinner and homework calls.. (:

tata now.. ((:

2005-06-13T11:49:00.000+08:00

humans are strange creatures.
we contradict ourselves all the time
and we arent even aware of it.
how strange.
we open our mouths and spew things
without much thought
never once stopping to consider
in what way our words could
or would affect the listeners.
hmmms. ohwells.

i just thought of something today:-
if you really went away
would i have the strength to stay?

i have abandoned my previous idea of leaving
the ball's in your court.
i guess i never really did let go.
i didnt, and still dont. know how.

help me. help us.
let go. hold on.
move on. hang tight.
goodbye. goodnight.

2005-06-10T05:37:00.000+08:00

whenever im not feeling right.
be it stressed, upset, or just fuck up.
i'd always take a long shower
and feel better after that.

right now-
i feel like pouring gallons worth of soap into the ocean,
dive in, and stay there drowning in foam for hours.

you know what-
that's just what im gonna do.
hmmm.

2005-06-07T12:34:00.000+08:00

only almost here.

yes and no la huh?

ohwells.

2005-06-06T14:11:00.000+08:00

im strange.
and even as im typing this i realise that i borrow the words of many other wiser ppl that have gone before me, to define myself. and if that isnt strange, then i dunno what is. mitch is weird to the max. it's high time i grow myself an identity, and pronto.i am leaving this comfortable enviroment at the end of this year after all. =/ that makes me sad. ohwells.

the first half of today was a total bore. mass as usual, then lunch at han's (food was bad according to my bro and cousins) i found it okay actually. and that, is why they think im weird now. yupps. then headed to my cousins house cause mom wanted to ask my aunt's mother how to make dunno what thing la. mom said it'll be for a short while only. we were there for about four to five hours. and my damned phone batt decided to fail me then by going flat. lyds was trying to contact me the whole day? sorry yeah? (: ohwells. came home, had a good long shower then headed to meet lyds for dinner at gardens. chompchomp-ed our way through dinner. i tell you that girl can eat la!!! omg seriously. we ordered sting-ray, then she had three chicken wings, we each had a plate of carrot cake, then between us we had two sugarcane drinks- one big, one small. omg and she was like thinking of desert somemore?! maddness. i could hardly walk la. ohwells.

yupps this has been a good week for me, but i think i really ogtta start doing some work this up coming week. and im missing gina, celest, caryn all. caryn coming my house this coming week yes? call gina and celest too? bonding session is way over due. i miss you guys.

hmmms jo got some inter-church bball com coming up and she asked me to play, i dont even know if i can go. but i kinda said yes? so yeah. ohwells. (:

goody night world.mitch feels blessed.
ilu.
~all

2005-06-01T08:28:00.000+08:00

roarrs!!!
mushi mushi..
lols i know i havent been blogging. and some ppl, example:samm. is getting impatient? god knows why also. so this is gonna be one hell of a long post. -sit tight. (:

IJ HEARTBEAT.
omgomgomgomg!!!! ahahahahaha i know i sound like some shit bimbo (oops =x, no offence to self professed bimbos) but yeah!!! damnit funfunfun? i know i was kinda reluctant when i first heard that my name had been placed down to perform for it. (stage just aint my thing) but i ended up loving it and missing it now that it's over. =/
initional practices were boring, but we managed to put together a fairly presentable routine BY OURSELVES btw. yeah. then later..those producer ppl decided to step in and change the routine that we'd been practicing for oh-so-long. we got so annoyed i tell you! humph like wtf? ohwells. so we had like one and a half weeks to perfect the routine. but all when well. ((:
the actual performance was EXECELLENT! (not cause we did it so darn well but cause we had so much fun!) i was scared stiff just five mins before going on, but when i was standing in place i felt fine somehow. then when the music came on, ppl started screaming!! WOAH bigbig rush i tell you. *beams* yeah but the fun-est, wasnt so much the three mins on stage. it was more the TWO DAYS before. when we were practicing at kallang? so fun!!!!! lols. everyone was runing around the place. then it helped that the bballers had great company next door to us.*smirks* (:
bballers had room3&4 and we were such pigs? both days- we slept in the bus on the way there, then we slept the moment we got into our rooms, until they call us? yeah..me being one of the biggest pigs la. and it was so funny everyone who opened our room door was complaining the room stinks? lols ahaah.actually it did la. you couldnt smell it from inside, but if you came out and when back in..yeah the smell might curl your hair. but eh i smelled fine k... ahaha.
yeah dancers were funny ppl. me and sheila had oh-so-much-fun styling all the ballers' hair. everyone said it was cool stuff k. i feel so proud.lydia's hair was done by us too...us and ming..it looked great cause she looked scary..and she was suppose to. then the evil ppl made us! BBALLERS! put makeup?! i tell you cause of that i got pimples now! =/
oh and deb was so scared of how lydia looked that it was darn funny. and deb has a bad influance on me..i become abit crazy, so lydia says that deb is only allowed 10metres away from me, no nearer. lols. (p/s: today it got increased to 20metres.)
omg and the dancers were damn pro la! they looked damnit professional. like WOAH kinda thing? coolness. then kyna was my phantom? and ming was next to her..bev too i think, they were acting in this part with us and i was suppose to be scared but i kept wanting to laugh and kyna kept wanting to kill me for that. (:
the gym girls were impressive too. so were the guitar ppl, and band ppl, and ics ppl, and eldds ppl(their acting was nicee.) and the lead for the musical.lyds.and ALL LA! thumbs up for all performers. *winks*
okay so as you can tell i really miss it. as in REALLY.
i miss the horrible food. the disgusting three coats of makeup. the company next door. the sitting in the corridor with lyds and andrea cause my room stinks and they just didnt wanna stay in their room. the telling of ghost stories. the rushing to perfect everything. the nonscence the bballers were doing..all the games- what polar bear game and all that. the retard things we did to keep from being bored. (patrick star vs spasm kid, man hunt..etc) the doing of everyone's hair. the freaking out. the everything and everything!
ohwells. yupps thats that i guess. ((:

RESULTS!
that was total horror. i did so bad its unimaginable. =/ but i'll work hard now. sighs. yeah and i had the nerve to go watch movie with lyds and michyee somemore..watch monster inlaw. kinda annoyed lyds- sorry. the show was good but mitch was tired. came home late. dad was also in the hospital this weekend. mom was out of town and my bro wanted to stay at grand's. so mitch was home alone..but only a night. (: grandma was real worried. dad too. but i survived! (: lols. daddy's been discharged today. ((:

kyna's birthday
called and sang to her ytd after training with her canfish. then
this morning together with terri, we went to her hotel and brought breakfast at 8am?? woke up at 6am la! cause terri had lessons. im tired. then met lydia for breakfast after that. then she and i came to my house..watched two thirds of "sound of music" then we took a nap..and just for the record, LYDS THINKS SHE'S THE QUEEN LA. ok so anyways. sent her back to school for her dad to pick up.
"and next time arh girl..dont anyhow send msgs that will freak me out okay? scared the shit outta me la! i thought what happen to you okay!"
yeah then met with cousin for a drink awhile.

ohwells. yupps. thats all i think. lols.
mitchie is tired now and gonna take a nap. ((:

your my honeybun, sugarplum
pummpy wummpy pumpkin
your my sweetie pie.
your my cuppycake, gumdrop
sniggem spickem
THE APPLE OF MY EYE.
and i love you so
and i want you ta know
that i'll always be around
and i love to sing
this song to you
because you are so dear.
((:

2005-05-24T13:53:00.000+08:00

tanning- sunrise to sunset was gooodd. (:
getting burned- wasnt so good..
getting your call in the morning- was EVENTUAL. (:
missing you- wasnt.

okay. if im not wrong, 63 1/2 hours till performance.
shit scared. *prays*
-sings:
im gonna get throught this..
i gotta get through this.

dinner was fantestic. food was superb.
esp since i hadnt touched anything till like, then? ahah.
alrighty im darn tired. from 10am to 10pm man. maddness.
so yeah. nothing else i guess.
byebye.

cheers! (:

2005-05-22T11:49:00.000+08:00

well im open your closed
where i follow, ~~you'll go~~
i worry i wont see your face
light up again

im quiet you know
you make a first impression
i've found im scared to know,
if im always on your mind

even the best fall down sometimes
even the wrong words seem to rhyme
out of the doubt that fills your mind
you finally find

-you and i collide

2005-05-20T09:02:00.000+08:00

woah. mitch hasnt been blogging for kinda long already.

not that there hasnt been much to blog about, just that everything is so overwhelming that i choose not to blog about it. my head is cramped with things,

my mouth bursting with so many things i wanna say, things i wanna express. but i know i have to keep silent. my secret is for the ears of few. not that i dont trust many, just that, it's nothing i or anyone else can help me with. it's really frustrating. it's so difficult. i want to, but at the same time i dont, cause i'd die doing it. damnit! i really really wish oh-so-much that i can say all that i want to say. do all that i want to do with a snap of my fingers, but i cant. ppl say "na de qi, fang de sia" (sp?) yeah well i cant. im exasperated and so damned tired. so just let me go.

sleep therapy is propably best for me now.

kallang showcase- the ij heartbeat thing, is in exactly one weeks time!!!oh man we havent got down to perfecting anything yet? im damn scared la. =/ im so gonna screw up.and everytime i see my "phantom's face" (thought its in role) i cant help but laugh?i've gotta do smt to can the laughter man. stress.

mitch needs tuition! anyone knows where i can get maths, biology, and physics tuition?let me know please?yupps alright.mr. brain is telling me i need sleep.

goodnight. (:

p/s: note to self-

chocolates' healing effect on me is wearing out.

i think i exhaust it way too fast.

2005-05-01T14:20:00.000+08:00

let's go back to yester-year,
back to july-august times.
pause at that moment in our lives,
and be happy there.
-i know i was.

without questions.
without hesitations.
without hurt.
without pain.
without confusion.
without.
impossibility.

that word creeped up on us unexpectedly.
before, we had had our doubts,
but none for those reasons you gave eventually.
but it crossed our, or rather
your mind with such sudden clarity
that you had to put a stop to it.

acceptance and understanding is one thing.
that i can handle.
but forgetting and getting over is another totally.
your special after all.
you dont get over special people just like that.
and im going crazy trying to
cause im already in over my head
having fallen for you.

2005-04-29T15:13:00.000+08:00

im touched that ppl care about me- thanx guys.
the sad part comes when the one i want the most to be there for me-
cant.
or doesnt know how to.
or rather i shouldnt be hoping for that.
OHWELLS.

im bruised. getting bitten aint good.
im mixed up that aint good too.
exams. -the word just killed any joy i remembered having.
goodbye night world.

thanx for the zam-buk thing yes? and rubbing the blue blacks for me. thought you should! seeing how you caused one of em. anyhows. thanx. (: mon,thurs and today was fun. not very productive but..fun. i walked all the way back to bishan mrt by the way. cya. love you. hugs. ((:

2005-04-28T09:24:00.000+08:00

--* A few stress tests might be on the agenda, but you two are both aces at passing those kinds of exams. If both of you manage to don those coolheaded problem-solver superhero costumes you always have available, you'll be through this in no time at all. Frankly, you're able to handle any minor crises or roadblocks like the insignificant obstacles they are, especially when you work in tandem. This is why you two were meant to be: Like yin and yang, Tracy and Hepburn, Bart and Lisa, you perfectly complement each other.

i hate you.
i hate you because you make me feel like you hate me too.
dont just come on home and blow up at me just cause your not in a good mood. i didnt do anything wrong that should have given rise to your verbal assult. no seriously, what the hell is wrong with you?! and dont come and act like everything's fine again after awhile, i dont buy that bullshit. the only reason i let it slide time and again is cause i just feel i gotta chill and act normal CAUSE your my dad.
you and mom, totally the same. i wonder if we should stop trying to patch things up. seems the hole's just too big and you know it too. time's running out. im not that small kid that cries, sits on your lap and waits for you to hug me and make everything alright. you want me to grow up? fine i will. guess we both should've thought about these things years ago huh? dont you regret what we let it grow into now? what's wrong with the way i am? is being myself not good enough for you? im trying. and im tired. let's give up and move on.
we'll just keep the happy times, collect them in that little box i keep close to me, and mark them "forget me not's" we'll leave those nasty ones, sweep them; condamned, and just carelessly place them into that conner of our cobwebbed filled minds. we'll just go on playing our parts. it seems routine now anyway. i love you guys. but let's be realists here. =/

everyone lied to me when they told me love wasnt conditional. cause everything in and around my life tells me otherwise.
even love from parents seem conditional these days, it's no wonder then that..okay nevermind. something's are better left unsaid lest they hurt others. damnit. where is the love? cheesy? well its true.
whatever the case. this aint a good period now. exams. stress. love. lack of love. confusion. thoughts. sleep. lack of sleep. fat. growing fat. hahaha. a day in the life of a teenager. lols.

hmmms..i think dad is still pissed. think he left for dinner without me. :( then again. maybe it's better then the uneasy silence we'd have if i was in his car. sighs. this is not a good day. not a god day at all.=/

it's like clock work i tell you, he just called, guess what? everything's suppose to be fine now. right...sighs. bye all.

cheers.

2005-04-25T12:25:00.000+08:00

woke up today real tired was up late ytd.
i only slept at one plus. =/
had the weirdest dream.
i was stage acting.
it wasnt a happy character.
from what i recall,
i get ditched.
ohwells.
story of my life.
nothing new. *shugs*

prelims tml. oh no..
anyhows came across this about me and someone:-

[flying high today]
you know how some cats love to have their backs scratched,
but touch their tummy anf they shred your hand?
your relationship has one off those extra-sensitive spots
right now, and one or both of you is thinking,
"oh, what could the harm be?" as you reach for it.
stop--that is, unless you really want to deal with the equilvalent
of an all-claws attack (with some biting thrown in, too).
keep rubbing the nice, friendly places, and don't push it otherwise.
(not until later, at least).

alright,
cheers all!
bye.

2005-04-21T11:35:00.000+08:00

i thought of something that really troubled me today.
my mind was weighting the possibility of someone only assuming that they like someone else. when actually they're sub-conscious mind knows that they dont really. maybe person A really did have feelings of person B as one time, but that time has expired, and person A no longer feels that way about person B. the feelings may have faded and person A is only clinging to the idea that he/she still has them.
surely this proves we have to be mindful of the things we say and the actions we make, coming into a time of utter confusion where knowing who we ourselves really are in itself is already a chore, knowing how we ourselves are feeling is already difficult. can we really be that certain that what we think we feel for someone else is the real deal? liking/loving. whatever you want to call it. there are many different classifications it can fall under, liking someone alot doesnt always mean you have romentic feelings for that person. we are only human, and prone to making unintentional mistakes and classifying our feelings wrongly. but it is then we hurt someone else by not being sure. this isnt a sin though. duh.
in such cases my sympathy goes out to both parties. those on the recieving and giving end. but if one actually takes just a little more care, spotting things that may hint to yourself about how you feel for that someone isnt invisable. surely the first thing to cross our minds most of the time is something related to them? and im sure piority almost always certainly goes to them? and if someone were to ask you. :" who is _____ to you?" the first thing that crosses your mind normally is the truth. and if it isnt :" oh someone i have a something for." even if it's almost impossible between you. if your answer aint somewhere along those lines, i think, chances are you dont really really like that person. lols. or thats what i believe la. little things like that. (:

anyhows..i've got tons of thoughts running around in my head with no clue as to why their in there. too many to pen or type out. guys just ignore me yeah? if you dont like what you read just take it as crap some idiot is spewing. exams are coming. chineseB perlims are next monday. im praying i dont fail. after all that would be really very malu. lols. ohwells. mugging begins. next on the list of things to do: eat.
cheers! (:
-out

2005-04-17T14:32:00.000+08:00

two words.
two words was all it took just to ruin my day.
fucked up la.
like what the hell does that mean??

2.4 sucked.
thanx for running with me mich. (:
dead tired now. dunno why im not in bed.

lots of work. exams coming. *prays*
lord help me..
im in over my head in more ways then one.

i need a miracle
will i find it in you?

if i have to hurt me. to help you. i'd do it in a heartbeat.
but if it meant hurting you too, then i'd have to re-think things.

help.

2005-04-15T07:29:00.002+08:00

i can do this. focus. exams are upon us. *shutters*

i did good today. managed to persuade jo and myself not to go down. way to go mitch! *smirks* i tell you..we both couldnt really concentrate properly from after recess onwards. (: oh and someone forgot to bring a sweater..hmmms wonder who? mitch is smart. ok no someone is just perdictable. lols. anyways a five mins moment of silence was observed from 2.30pm to 2.35pm. fingers were crossed. and i was quiet. jo was screaming her head off getting excited?? huh? nvm i dunno why either. see told you i'd be supporting you guys no matter right? yeah ohwells.

ok i've had my bath, checked my mail. now its time for food and rest. mugging later.
cheers! (:

2005-04-13T10:09:00.000+08:00

im tired and spent
missed school again. mom banned me from school today too. gonna go back tml i think. ohwells too bad guys you gotta deal with me now that im going back. (:
im shit tired of killing myself trying to please ppl.
i dont feel like continuing to do what i started/plan to start.
but i gotta. dad always said:" if a job's worth doing, it's worth doing well"
but dang..funds are at an all time low. =/
ohwells.

you dont know what you want, but you do know what you dont want.
am i right?

2005-04-12T10:18:00.000+08:00

warning!
fellow citizens if you fear an overdose of goosebumps, please kindly refrain from reading the following entry. (especially the bottom half) you have been for-warned. content is top grade goosebump causing material. not for the faint-hearted, or rather..the goosebump-allergic. (:

dang! now everyone is gonna think im some mushy freak! =/ *worries*

-->
i was just on the phone a few minutes ago, but that twit has gone to sleep and asked for a wake up call at 7pm..wait scratch that, 7.20pm. *chuckles* ohwells. what a silly question you asked, and althought you may have said that you yourself think it's a silly question. i think deep down there was a REAL reason you asked me? am i right?
the answer is still no, i dont admit to being the nicest person on earth, but i wouldnt. not for that reason. im not shallow.

i've been asked to list TEN G O O D reasons as to why i like who i like. and though i dont believe that we require reasons to like someone. (-i happen to think the person is reason enough.) im going to entertain the question, i've just put some thought into it and came up with just SOME of the reasons:

1) i think your really cute. -character and all.

2) you make me smile just being around.

3) your really silly, funny,entertaining and so many more things rolled into one.

4) i can talk/listen/have a conversation with you for hours.

5) you mumble funny things when your half asleep on the phone.

6) you tell me gdnite but dont put down the phone, instead fall asleep with me on the other line..

7) then when i press the button to wake you up to tell you to put down, this is what you say:

you: (in sleepy voice) "i told you gdnight right?"
me: "yeah but you didnt put down the phone?"
you: "but i say gdnight means im sleeping right?

where's the connection? *raises eyebrows*
lols.

8) seeing you happy makes me happy.

9) when your scared of thunder and cant find your blanket, you'll msg and say:..

msg:"mitch, where are you? im scared of thunder.. :S"

cute. lols.

and finally for number T.E.N, which i think is the best reason of all. in fact i think its the only reason we ever need..

I......

JUST.....

DO..

(:

there! i said it! *hides face*
mitch has goosebumps now.

2005-04-12T08:05:00.000+08:00

oh man oh man oh man. there's way too many things to do and so little time? birthday's are coming up. but so are exams and yeah. the birthday's are so close to each other. =/ i need to wake up and smell the stink and realise that im not sleeping in a bed of roses but rather next to a pile of rubbish and if im not careful. the crap is going to suffocate me.

i missed school again today. but for once im not enjoying it, exams are too close for me to be comfortable with missing school. i got hand, foot and mouth. and for those that dont know, this was the same illiness that caused kindergardens around singapore to close down a few years back. BUT the dumb thing is that normally this sickness attacks only kids, like five yr olds kinda thing. but somehow i got it? im shit weak. lousy man. so now, i look like there are holes in my hands and feet, cause me with my itchy fingers burst the bubbles. sick la! ohwells..

did some maths just now, i tell you, the SJI paper is damnit hard la! SJI ppl really that smart arh? oh damn now im in trouble. yeah anyhows...bballers in school now praticing for the stupid kallang thing. hmmms i wonder how things are coming along.. you know!! now i gotta jump over someone who is taller then me? pure maddness i tell you. but she will be kneeling down la. so i guess no worries? i hope.. *gulps*

major planning is much needed. im stressed. but the key is to manage my time. which btw im horrible at? oh man oh man oh man. and you know i think im reading too much into things. and getting myself too involved. it's going to be hard..hmmms ohwells. (:

the worst way to be missing someone is to be sitting right next to them, knowing you cant have them.

2005-04-10T13:54:00.000+08:00

darn it! mitch..
you stupid shit head!
now look what you've done!

im so sorry. i shouldnt have told anyone.
i guess the "just a friend" part
just kinda hit that "OUCH" button for me.
athough i said differently.
i mean, coming from YOU and all..
yeah well, that's still a lame reason.

im sorry. it's my fault. my bad. sorry.

dont be mad long?

2005-04-06T07:53:00.000+08:00

roars. school is so tiring, and that stupid kallang performance thing is damn annoying. my arms are aching now. damn. *grumbles* ohwells. had pft ytd, i tell you im an old man la! lols. hmmms 2.4 on saturday, my aim is to pass, no more high expectations. i think i'd be glad if i get 18 plus mins. and hopefully my knee holds up for the six rounds. my poor arms wont even get to rest before tml's kallang thingy pratice.i mean we're going to bounce the ball non stop for a few hours? *groans* hmmms. hope mrs siow forgot about me missing the test on friday...im not ready to do it la. ohwells. gonna go nap then wake up and study later. cheerios! (:

im very lost and very confused. and no im not going anywhere. i cant even if i wanted to. i dont want to stress you. i really dont know whats going to happen. it's always blowing hot and cold. where are the bounderies? and have i crossed it? you said we'd just be normal friends. but if we were really just normal friends, then i think that i have only one friend in the world. your special la. stop denying it. and seriously if my going away wont help you, then i dunno what will, cause obviously me being around isnt helping either. im just looking of another way out, if there is even one that is. trust me, i soo dont wanna see you go. but i know that im not doing you a favour if i were to just let it be, i could always not bother, but that would be seriously selfish. understand that i cant just call you all the time even though i want to. your the one who wishes(?) to move away, and if i were to do what would make ME happy..then, again, i'd be selfish. the friendship that we have confuses me, i dunno if i should be happy or sad because the more the interaction, the harder it's going to be when the eventual pull away comes. and we both know you will leave, in fact i dont even know when that day will come, but i promise no matter, just like that other time things ended, i'll smile for you. laugh with you. and congratulate you on finding a great (he better be nice to you) guy. err ok did you get that? ahahaha. * pats your head*

smart ones will know why the black space. (:

im ripped with things to say..

the words rot and fall away..

2005-04-03T08:24:00.000+08:00

this past week has been one hell of a rollercoster ride for me. in fact, this year too. there's just so much that we constantly have to consider. every action we take/make can affect something else. im getting lost. and you know what. im becoming very sensitive/emotional. well guess that's just me. *shugs*

anyways. things with the parents aint good. and my big master plan for something fell through, or seems to be falling through. darn it. im gaining weight guys. chant with me.
diet. diet. diet.
damn i sound so shallow. ahaha.

sports day was so screwed. ran three races, won none. man do i suck. arh well. no cheerleading competition due to rain. cheerleaders were shit angry. cheerleaders from all four houses huddled in fornt of green house showing their displeasure. it was funny. they seemed to be on a verge of starting a riot, it would've been quite funny if singapore had it's first riot in donkey years just cause chij toapayoh didnt allow their cheerleaders to perform. *chuckles* im laughing till my stomach achs just thinking about it. (:

skipped school on friday, was dead tired from running in the rain and all that, i felt like i was going to crumble at my doorstep when i finally got home. had dinner with lyds and della before that. was pretty amusing. we dined at entertainment's long john's, this group of shit ugly dudes were disturbing della. but like they just got ignored. hah losers. and boy were we glad when they left. btw your welcome. (:

ugh chool tml. i dont want!!!! grr. homework half done. i actually studied six hours straight on friday even though i didnt go to school. i was just too exhausted. had a bath then flopped on my bed and was totally gone. by 9pm. then woke up 10am friday morning. haha.

ohwells. ok i kinda forgot what i wanted to type already. im on the phone now and kinda distracted. bye guys. blog again soon when i rmb (:

2005-03-29T14:09:00.000+08:00

today was mommy's bithday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMY!!! *MUCKS*
ohwells i know you wont see this but it's cool. (:

hmmms nothing interesting today..life's stinks i tell you. *shugs* aint nothing i can do about it though. might be buying something tml. we'll see. anyways today was a total waste of time. we had like half our lessons free? damn dumb la. at the rate im going im never gonna be ready for the Os. then after school i didnt go for practical cause got marchpass practice, then guess what? it got canelled? damn la..now i have to do make up prac next friday for nothing. =/ but i guess it was okay sine i didnt really have the mood anyways. i was moodswinging the whole whole day off and on, pure maddness i tell you. one moment i was perfectly fine laughing like some mad cow then i'd suddenly get distracted and be all quiet. it's bad. real bad.

yupps p.e tml, i hope we're not doing anything tiring or like boring, hopefully not running 2.4..but then again not likely cause we just ran the week before. but then i also dun wanna do like five items, even though pft is next week. yeah wells..kay i gtg. shutup! grr.

is this helping you? hmmms.

cheers all.

2005-03-26T06:38:00.000+08:00

reduced to goodnights in a week.

2005-03-25T15:51:00.000+08:00

everyone ard me always chooses eventually to go. is it just me?
but im never gone..but always leaving...or trying to.

oops =x
i made kyna angry, im sorry alright?

anyways today was so unproductive, i stayed home, studied, but the maths paper was so hard. or maybe im just born dumb. im been really listless. im like stoning at the four walls. hmmms was suppose to go church visiting with cyf peeps but then if i had gone dad would've been alone at home. mom's been working late he last two weeks or so. *shugs* anyhows. mom's birthday is coming up, looks like i got one more person to starve for. nvm. shall start brainstorming what i can do for her. now what does mommy like...hmmms. -ponders.

im confused, frustrated, drained, im alot of things. but actually the answer for us is very clear. the confusion comes in only because of feelings. but yes the answer is clear. i just dont want to hear it, i choose to ignore it, pertending to be ingorant. and that helps me in a way. but i know that the time will come. you will choose. eventually.

damnit. im sinning even today. sinning just by thoughts. someone please help me. i dont like the way im feeling. i want it to stop. but i dare not wish it to. i dont know what i want anymore. i really hate it. i hate that person i see every morning in the mirror. the more i look, the more i find reason to have fault with. im ugly beyond reason. and im not talk about just exterior. someone get rid of me pls. whatever. im gone. and i see so are you. i think.

i think ppl are gonna get annoyed at me after reading this post, im always sad&conplaining. im sorry. i have no other way to it all anything out. so this is my outlet. it all comes here. im just a confused child. leave me alone. hah. ohwells. updated my friendster profile. i like what it says. that being nothing about myself. it's late im tired. goodbye.

check out the song by joss stone titled "spoiled" the lyrics are meaningful. okay not for me i guess. but i like it. you should too? okay, really..this time. goodbye.

let go.

it's both a statenment AND a question.
have we..no wait..have I the strength to?

2005-03-24T05:26:00.000+08:00

all ability to control is slipping through my fingers.

hmmms my phone is silent. again.

take time.adjust.

for now.

homework.

2005-03-23T13:22:00.000+08:00

i've been feeling lousy about myself alot these days. i cant help but feel useless, i cant keep up with my workload, it seems like i need another two more years before i'll even come close to being ready for my Os. i feel lousy about the fact that im still as confused abt everything as ever. grrs. .i hate this.

man..had training ytd and pe today.they should stop tormenting poor souls like myself who have to suffer the burden of having short legs and weak lungs. running just aint my thing. 2.4 is killer i tell you. espcially with my aching butt, yeah you heard me right..my butt's aching from the training the day before all those damned steps. *grumbles* and not like the stupid slope that we have to run upwards is helping..my butt ached so bad coming up the slpoe and stairs. im still aching now..my body is like one BIg ach. lols. anyways. training tml too. darn. i think im dumb sometimes..i go for trainings that i dont have to( ytd's one), and suffer after that. lols. sighs my stupidity amazes me sometimes. (:

sports day is coming and im scared shitless, guess it's the idea of running infront of all those ppl. hmmms nvm everything will be fine. oh and did i mention that the cut hair lady/lady that cut my hair, cut it wrongly. she thought i wanted to shave my side burns off? and man do i look like crap now? my tail's gone. heart pain..i kept it for so long somemore. darn. hmmms it's holy week? this is bad..im a sinful kid..i'll never go to heaven continuing like this. hmms but knowing it and actually being to do something about it to change, are two very different things. and until my non-replusive distraction leaves, till then i'll remain sinful i guess. im sorry? =/

your welcome, it was no problem really. anyways. hmmms..havent been talking much of late. i dunno if this is a good thing. whatever the case i just want to see you happy. (: prayed for you in church on sunday, prayed that you'd have someone who loves and cares for you a whole lot. *beams* and it was a diffcult prayer. ohwells. it was hard trying to put my whole heart&mind into wanting you to find someone, but i do hope so. im trying to. hah. okay im blabbering again. ignore me everyone..
you too.

am i confusing you?
am i cause for your confusion?
-that is, IF you're confused..
hmmms...

ohwells im too tired to type anymore..and i cant ever seem to remember what i want to type anyways. ahaha im such an ass. *scratches head* ah..wells...i shall disappear now. cheers everyone!

tell me im just having a nightmare and that i'll wake up soon..

2005-03-19T16:17:00.000+08:00

I hesitate to say I was bait for you

Could that be something that you all would do

I'd be lying if I did now say I wasn't intrigued

But timing is everything here

And for the moment the 'we' is reprieved

But, as I watch the girl unfold before my eyes,

I discover that I like her..

2005-03-19T10:25:00.000+08:00

escaping.
somebody save me. :(

2005-03-16T07:54:00.000+08:00

oh man...see la of all times for your com to spoil it has to be now.
grr! ohwells. *shugs*
talking you now... (:

2005-03-14T07:25:00.000+08:00

i do not need to be taken care of, it may appear so, i may give ppl that impression. but i DO NOT need anyone to take care of me. i do fine on my own. i dont need a babysitter. i want to babysit. enough said. i hate it. =/

*you: whatever happens, whatever comes, whatever makes you cry, whoever makes you cry, when you need a shoulder, i'll lend you mine. i promise it wont stink-unless..i had training. if you need someone to talk to, or to just listen, i'll tape my mouth and glue my ear to the phone, all you have to do is call/msg. whatever the case, im here for you. im sorry about the last time, but i'll make it the FIRST and last. (:

check out your blog, you know your 'hugs' thing? yeah well i read your blog and though i didnt leave every single one of the 1700 hugs there, i made it from about 1156 or smt like that till 1700. when it tured 1117, it was also me..man does it take a long time. long but well worth huh. (: anyways, the many hugs, is to make up for the times when i wasnt there to give you one when you needed it and also for the future hugs i might not get to give. if you get what i mean. take care of yourself alright? i hate to think about what he does to you, and i worry about what he might do in the future. it really cheeses me off cause i know there nothing i can do to help. *frowns* just know one thing, i'll stand by you. as long as you need me to. (: hugs.

2005-03-12T22:53:00.000+08:00

and again. =/

2005-03-12T21:32:00.000+08:00

life recently has been rather bittersweet.
ohwells. i think we're drifting, but i guess thats also a bittersweet thing for you huh? i mean. okay nvm shant explain. i miss you.

sentosa-ing tml i think. MAYBE. our school dancers are performing..hmmms. hopefully you'll come. if you can. mitch misses you. i wanna go tanning after that..but nobody to go with. sobs. ohwells. maybe i shant go tanning then. *whines* but i look the colour of paste.=/
mitch doesnt know how to get to sentosa-yes i am a loser. i never go there much one what! im so darn bored. im rotting at home guys! but then i'm also lazy to go out. sucks la. almost typed "sucks pls"im telling you that 'pls' thing is so addictive! oh man i think im talking to you guys too much. lols.
hmmms results were bad as expected. i really gotta do something about my work. i AM doing something. but i feel it's not enough. darn. work.work.work. (:
this hols is a good time to start, lotsa hols work. but im not complaining. im happy to work? and that's just sick. but i got too much to catch up on and too little time. yupps.

waiting for her to come home. maybe then we'll talk. feels like we dont talk much lately. bittersweet i tell you. hah. uhuh. right.

i asked one question and got 45mins worth's of an answer. okay im sorry for no thinking before i talk. sorry mom. dad. if only money grew on trees. or maybe just a potted plant would be sufficent. hmmms.

alright mitch cant rmb what she's wants to type so iguess i'll just end there. (:

2005-03-11T15:00:00.000+08:00

in the last few days i've realised, no wait, scrap that. i've finally understood something.
and it makes me sad, cause it just got comfirmed. ohwells. kinda makes me feel stupid.
almost to brim of tears.

im sorry i got you mad, i didnt mean it that way. whatever your going through, i just want you to know that im there for you always, never doubt that. hugs. i miss you.

2005-03-05T05:08:00.000+08:00

//your words stung.

sitting home rotting while everyone else is in school, kinda gives you alot of space to think. whoever said "sticks and stones can break my bones, but words can never hurt me" sure got it wrong..i guess they didnt get a chance to meet you? and woah do you have a gift for words or what? guess it's the way you just spit whatever shit you want outta your mouth, you dont bother to be nice and sugercoat your words. your words are as piecing as your stare. your scary. your mean. you have an acid tongue. but your my one night stand. (:

you always know just what to do or say to set me straight..and though the things you say hurt alot..they make sense, and there will most likely never be another person better able to drum a message into my head better then you.

i dont like the way we ended our message =/ it was harsh, it was blunt, it was..sad. at that point in time i so wanted to pick up the phone and dial your number, not bothering if you were in school or not and screw your ass for giving me attutide. im so glad i didnt, im so glad i held back my anger. im so glad i took time to process what you said to me. i still hold my stand, i didnt say i miss you to "pay" for anything. i really did miss you guys. but i finally see/understand where your frustrations were coming from. now im not going to lie. i might just forget and i might just pull this stunt again, but im fairly confident you'll "slap" me awake before long. that's if you dont give up on me.

after thinking about it, i felt a prick at my conscience that told me there was truth in what you said. im really sorry. i know i havent been the kind of friend you and i both hope i'd be to you guys in recent weeks..i know i've made you feel like water droplets waiting to eveporate at any instance. i know there have been times where you guys needed me, or rather times when i should've made myself avaliable weather or not you needed me. but i didnt. i wrote you off, expecting that you'd always be there, and that we could just pick up from where we left off and continue. i know now i was wrong. you arent my servents, you arent shadows, you arent backdrops. your my friends..my closest friends, and yet i havent treated you the way i should.

im sorry..

i just wanted to say im sorry. you woke me up celest, i dunno for how long..but you woke me up. im also apologising to gina and caryn. and whoever else i've neglected..

i gotta find b.a.l.a.n.c.e..

the drugs are kicking in right now, and im glad i've said all i want to before my brain melts into jelly and i cant remember anything..so the only thing i want to know now is...

are we cool?

am i forgiven?

are you still pissed?

and the impt question..

when are we going tanning??

im the colour of plaster..and that just aint my shade. =/

ilu.

2005-03-04T12:49:00.000+08:00

i dunno what to do now.

2005-03-03T10:06:00.000+08:00

i dont want to..but i know i got to..way out? anyone? =/
i guess my dream just got flushed down the toilet bowl.. nothing's gonna be the same again. i just know it. i fucking hate that i have to do this!!! damnit! yuck!

okay..so on to nicer/happier things..i've gotta new addition to my sleeping buddies. (: his name is taz...now say hello to mr. taz everybody.. lols. hmmms..

okay fever. flu. heardach. it's time to get all comfortable with my best friends
there's..mr.bed..miss.pillow..sir.blacket..and not forgetting..mrs. bloster..

goodnight all! (:

*you: thanx sosososoSO much for it..i really REALLY love it..you sure know how to cheer me up.. (:

love y o u.

2005-02-25T12:08:00.000+08:00

if only we could live twice...

2005-02-22T19:37:00.000+08:00

hey guys..as in juniors and all the supporters...

*ppgs: i really wished you guys were there to give me a hug today.

jo daddy,avis buddy,adeline, omg i swear i cant rmb who else...everyone: i know i seem insincere about thanking you all but my mind is still very very messed up right now..and so i cant rmb anything pls excuse me for that alright? im really really REALLY greatful to you guys for coming down all this while and supporting us, thanx for filling our bottles when we run out of water..and holding on to our smelly towels and shirts. while we play..and i know sometimes we give you attutide when you guys try to be nice and talk to us all during/after the games but we really dont mean it..we just need a little space. so yeah thanks ever so much. (: im sorry for the lackluster performance on my part..and i beg you're forgiveness. =/

bballers: guys, what's left to say? we tried. you guys were great and i can honestly say i enjoy playing with you all..i might have strayed a little for a short period of time..we had misunderstandings..but we lived..you guys were great players, great teamamates and great friends. i know it might seem like i dont mean it but i promise that i do..though there is still that distance between us. seriously from the bottom of my heart. thank you for making basketball this fun for me..and thank you all for being who you are. we might not have made it through. but you're all winners in my book.

kyna&ming: thanks guys, im really damn touched that you guys rushed down just to watch our match..and the fact that kyna actually is broke cause of that..and even though im not the reason she rushed down, im still and always will be eternally greatful. ming you're tired your very best to always be there when i need you, and somehow i feel i aint that nice..but thank you for caring and being such a good friend. kyna too..you guys are damndamn sweet. *hugs

*you: you have no idea how happy i am that you came..
i honestly wonder if i'd have taken it so well if you werent there
-not that i took it pretty well la...and i still feel kinda malu about it all but yeah. hmmms..
thank you for being there and just being you.
thank you for giving me that very much needed hug when i needed it most..
thank you oh for so many more things.
thank you or being part of my life. (:
*hugs

but in the end..things were pretty okay. (:

2005-02-19T15:17:00.000+08:00

you ARE my first.

and last.

*smiles*

ilu.

2005-02-18T10:45:00.000+08:00

You're gonna hate me when I tell you everything

You're gonna question whether you really know me at all

You will revisit every smile, and where it fit into the day

I know this is how it will play

And I try, oh I try to think of all the things

That I could do to let you know that I love you.

Even so

I was not looking to do you wrong

Was not looking for a change of scenery

Don't remember where, or when, or how I did

But I'm hoping you'll forgive me

And I try, oh I try to think of all the things

That I could do to let you know that I love you

Oh I try, I try so very hard

And I cry, I cry so very much

For I love you like you'll never let yourself feel again

I love you like a brother and a friend

I love you with my whole heart until it bends

I love you like a lover until the very end

But I'll always think of all the things you did

To let me know that you love me

But you're leaving

Even so

2005-02-16T19:35:00.000+08:00

if i died today, would you notice? would you miss me tml? =/

i've got alot to say. things aint so hot for me right now..
i've eaten like what? two proper meals in the last three days..i havent slept much..got thousands of questions burning on my mind...im super duper confused..i have some important things to finish doing before the end of this month..which i dont even know why im doing..my knee is swollen.. my body bruised..i have to try to make time for my friends..family..myself...i need a time out that duh! im not gonna get...i need time to study..im stuck in a position where i cant back out of what i've set myself to do..so even if it kills me..i've got to stick to training...i cant handle the pressure..felt like blacking out in class today...i have to stop missing praticals..i have to impove my stamina..i dont get my maths teacher..and my parents hate me?

stop giving me that shit about being a family..families trust eachother..they know whats going on in their kids lifes..when their kids have problems, they know, they ask, they comfort, and no they doing screw the kid's ass just for being grumpy..yes im exhausting myself..but you said yourself..dad, we all got to make sacrifices, i and i chose to make mine: sleeping..yeah its my fault for always not being around you guys and talking to you guys, but all i feel like when im around you, is a disappointment..

you think my hair's too short.
you think i dont dress right.
you think im not neat enough.
you think so manymany things negative about me.

when did you last see me comfortable in fornt of you? i envy that my friends can talk to their parents. that their parents dont seem so critical of them..that they get along..that they can go shopping and not start a fight..or a cold war..i envy that they can actually sit down and have a conversation with their parents without their parents telling them that they have to learn to speak to the point..but im just trying mom..dad..im just trying to have a conversation with you. so why do you tell me that i dont talk to you? why is it we cant sit down and watch tv and talk about the show while watching without you telling me to keep quiet so you can watch? why cant you except that i dont like long hair..i dont love pink..i aint crazy about dresses or skirts..and that im just different from what you expected? im i so unloveable the way i am? why is it the moment we speak, we argue? why is it no matter how much effort i put into trying to show i care, you never see it? you always give me that "not that i want to compare" please dont give me that shit when you obviously want to, or you wouldnt even be saying that..
so im not the sweet lil girl with the pigtails, wearing the pink dress, sitting down next to you laughing and talking who enjoys knitting..im the not so sweet punky lil girl, wearing the berms and t-shirt with hair way too short for your liking, sitting silently, next to you with the headphones on, finding it difficult to utter a single word for fear of being shot down, who by the way...plays basketball.
do you really think i enjoy being scolded? im sorry im like this, but how come when it comes to me..it's never too late to change the way i am, but when it's you, your too old and stuck to your ways to change. im not that perfect little girl you envisioned before my birth..but i try, im trying..and im tired..but maybe you shouldnt have set yourself up for the disappointment by already planning how i would be, the moment you knew i was on the way..how do you expect me to sit there have fun with you guys when every other moment you sigh and look at me with eyes that say "sigh, michelle im disappointed with you." why cant you see that im the only one who bothers to plan something special for your birthdays? i'll go out of my way to do something, write a card and sign off with a "love: your family" why dont you see that i try as much as possible not to ask you guys for extra money? i try to pay for the extra books i gotta buy..the presents i gotta get..that even when i tell you "mom dont worry about me im eating out.." and actually have no cash..i dont say a thing? that if i want something i try to save for it? that i never have enough cash to do things i wanna do or buy things i wanna buy? why cant you see that when im away at camp, i miss you guys enough to call home even though you never once asked me to? or that if your going away, even for a small trip, i'll miss you so much that till the last min i'll be msg-ing you goodbye? but you just reply "stop wasting you msges"? mom, dad do you even know when the last time i cried was? or the last time i got myself hurt? my last breakdown? im a disappointment i know..but if you could just stop pointing it out for a moment, and see this girl who didnt turn out quite like you wanted, who is your daughter..maybe you might not be so critical of me? maybe we could talk, maybe i could stop being fearful of you guys. i know i played a part and by being who i am, disappointed you, but being family doesnt mean we can sit down and laugh..being family means we can cry together..that our happiness is deeper then just surface..that we actually know the other person..we cant just care for the person's daily needs..cause if that's the case i have no doubt you're the best, but we've also got to consider the person's emotional needs..that's a part of me that's been long dead to you. i cant remember the last time i got a hug from you guys..or any sign of affection as a matter of fact..
im not trying to show the world how bad my situation is..i know it aint that bad..im still a lucky enough kid..but rather i just really need to let out now. so..yeah.

im sorry..

2005-02-15T22:57:00.000+08:00

hey i hope you liked the lil gifts... i really havent had the time to get a main one? and i feel so bad cause v day is over. ): real sorry yeah? hopefully you werent disappointed.

thank you for the company.
thank you for the laughs.
thank you for making me smile.
thank you for being there.
thank you for saying yes.
thank you.
for being you.

okay i've gotta make this real quick, to my everdearest PPGS i hope that you guys liked the flower yeah? and im sorry if you dont. but i really really loovveeee the present that you guys got for me. thanx for risking your lifes.

kyna, ming: i love you guys. you made the day special by just being there..thanx yeah? ming for the ring sweet and yeah gummys..hahaha i loved it. (: and kyna...you!! ahaha yeah you...we need to talk..ohwells i hope you liked the stuff k?

everyone (sorry i gtg la): i love you guys for just being you guys and making the effort to get me smt. hugs.

im stuck on you...

2005-02-12T22:02:00.000+08:00

my immortal..

*sings*

im so tired of being here..
surpressed by all my childish fears
and if you have to leave
i wished that you would just leave
cause your presence still lingers here
and it won't leave me alone

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cired, i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you scremed, i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me...

your used to captivate me
by your resonating light
now i'm bound by the life you left behind
your face it haunts, my once plesent dreams
your voice it takes away, all the sanity in me

these wounds won't seem to heal
this pain is just too real
there's just too much that time cannot erase

when you cried, i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed, i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me..

i tried so hard to tell myslef that your gone
but though your still with me
i've been alone all along

when you cried, i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you screamed i'd fight away all of your fears
i held your hand through all of these years
but you still have
all of me

*finish singing and tears...*

hey this is for *you
you know who you are right?
so..i sang, promise, i WAS singing..
so is this counted? *smirks*
this time there shouldnt be a yes AND no alright?
yes OR no.
ohwells. (:
let me know...
soon.

2005-02-12T16:36:00.000+08:00

sorry i didnt pick up the phone.

if its not such a big thing.
then why cant you make up ur mind?
i wouldnt have to panic had i known what you thought.

i'd give almost anything to be able to read your mind..

will you be my valentine?
those must have been the hardest words i've had to say in a long time.
five years to be exact.

your killing me.
and all you have to do is keep on being.
indecisive.

yes and no la.

seriously girl, we need to talk.

2005-02-08T23:16:00.000+08:00

im aint a cat. -lets not go there.

roars.
mom's at it again.
im irritated.. :(
i hate chinese new year.
dont ask. =/

im exhausted. really. up to the point when i feel like saying: "okay dudes i've tried for sooo long, i think its time i pack my bags and give up. this aint going no where.." but. i cant seem to.

what is this weird distorted cat and mouse game that we seem to be playing?

i keep hearing so many things that just isnt gettin me anywhere..the only state it brings me to is a state of utter confusion..like i said, its so tiring, i wanna give up..
but then, the thought of actually really letting go is so difficult to except..so scary.
i dunno what i want anymore.

why do our actions and our words collide?

cant we just mean what we say, and say only what we mean?

2005-02-06T14:29:00.000+08:00

okay so i've typed this entry FOUR times.

wednesday- thank YOU ((=

thursday- beat queenstown 49 to 8. thier a new team..they werent too bad..no.14's ball control is not too bad.

friday- b o r i n g. sighs.

i've got a prob..okay so im dead beat, really tired..and so i figured my art works gotta wait til tml after church right? okay great plan..here's the catch, i've been invited to a party tml..so you see the prob? and so the solution: im not going for the party till i finish my art. it's settled then. now all i have to do is stick to the plan. =/

i've pulled at my hair, bitten my nails and spaced out. cause of this:

THE question of the next TEN days.

should i? or should i not?
i dont wanna make a fool of myself.
and NO is a very real possibility.

and guys, if you think that you know what im talking about..feel free to comment.

dudes quit with the mixed reviews alright?
i guess it helps me be objective..
some might think im overreacting..
but gen im sure you'd understand why im freaking out.
ohwells..

im smiling..
and it's all your fault..

2005-02-02T18:01:00.000+08:00

you just brighten up my day. (=
and girl, im not stupid you know, when you called me just now i kinda had a feeling you'd come over.. im psychic remember? yeah i was so happy i kinda forgot i was sick? thanx so much of coming over alright? mitch loves you.[ check it out! it's red ] i cant stop grinning.. =D

hmmms..please tell me where i stand? i feel stranded inbetween. neither here nor there..someone give me a sign..
gen, thinks i should do smt..but i dun wanna risk what i have now. plus im pretty sure nothings changed. ohwells *shugs* i admit i got abit uncomfortable ytd..when i knew he was coming..sorry i left just like that and no im not angry with you..how could i be? i guess i just would've felt weird? and im not sure abt it, but i think you would have felt weird too.and him too.

oh man, i took the medcine not too long ago and now i feel like sleeping..AGAIN. im gonna become a pig.

matches tml..im not up for it..can i skip? but then again its a die die must win match..cause if we do win we go to the next level...anyways my bro is bugging me..he needs the com..cheers ppl!

p/s: dun gotta be so nice to me, cause chances are you'll leave like the last time, and i'll fall harder and land smack on my face..i dont think i can do through that again..im nice to you cause i like you. so yeah thanx so much for coming over, you brighten my day..love.

*your my number one.

2005-01-31T21:42:00.000+08:00

okay its bad..so guys dont ask. sighs.

hmmms im feeling tons better now thanx to the sweeties that came down to watch yeah? that being ming, kyna and lydia. and all you many many ppl. (((= im damn touched. i love you guys..

you* : omg you really made me feel tons better la! with the cd! thanx oh-so-much..your the bestest la. *grins from ear to ear* i swear you affect my moods so much you dont even know it? but seriously yeah..and in case your not sure..yes i still like you. there..see i'll put a stop to any cause to wonder. (=

ming: thank you muchmuch for the sweets!!! your just like them la..s w e e t. my aunt rawks..always there for me..im lucky i know you. sorry i aint always there..and stop saying your not going to let it bother you when it does. acceptance is the first step to change. yes..im here for you. but pls dont rant about THAT issue anymore alrite? we must move forward. love.

kyna: you too!! ahaha im sorry i made fun of you..but you know, knowing that you guys cared enough to come down made me so happy..though you didnt come to see me *pouts* yeah and yes i know you got a share in the sweets thingy too thank you. (= you all damn nice la.

all the other nice ppl/juniors: thnk you thank you T H A N K Y O U!!! mitch is pleased that you guys came. though im sorry you guys had to see my rubbish playing. =/ anyways. much love yes? ((=

ppgs: i miss you guys though i saw you guys just today? and everyday?? i love you!! rmb that. what i dont show doesnt mean it doesnt exist. =D

and to this particular person. i know you read my blog and though im not sure if you'll read this..seriously dude. if you like her. go for it.. be more understanding and sensitive. i know she still likes you. though im not sure how long that'll last. stop making rubbish excuses. your not only hurting yourself with your indecisiveness. your also hurting someone you love..someone i like. yes im a weird person..the fact that im cheering you is pure madness as it is. but i want that person to be happy. if it cant be with me..then i guess with you. good luck. and oh, hope you dont feel like beating me up right now. and yes it is YOU. stop thinking about weather it is you or not cause you and i both know what im talking about. dont loose this priceless treasure.

and to you* again hope you dont kill me for interfearing. (=

im dead tired..yawns.

peace out--x

2005-01-30T15:36:00.000+08:00

okay dudes so here's the run down of the past few days post-less-ness.

thursday-
the bball game. time 4.45pm.
--hmmms. okay guys im betting that most of the bballers have already posted about this, yupps we beat stc final score was 23 to 19. but though we won im sure most if not all of us would agree that it wasnt a game well played. too much loosing of the ball..bad passes..and all that crap. hmmms. i played esp badly..made only 4 outta like seven to eight shots? haiz. ohwells. we'll just have to work harder at it..yes and ming & lydia were so nice to come down to support me..though they didnt watch the game? they were late la.. but its okay. i enjoyed dinner with you guys.. ((= and thanx yes? for coming down and all that. and kyna thanx for the tot of coming too, its okay i know u wanted to (= and GINA! ahaha you came aft all!!!! ahaha much move guys. ((=

friday&saturday-
the selfawareness class camp.
--this was good stuff..had so much fun with those ppl..it wasnt all crazy like a mad house but no doubt about it, it was fun with a capital F..its really starting to sink in, im leaving ij for good this yr. im not ready..hmmms. yes so we played this ultra disguesting game that i'd like to call "the banana game" and why i call it that? simply because..there was four parts to the game and all of it involved bananas? sick la..by the end of that game we were covered in nothing but squshed banana slime..mud..water..so yes you can only imgine what i smelled like? ugh. gross. BUT fun. ((= later aft we all washed up..bath and all that..we had this small session smt like a mini praise & worship thingy..then followed by this whole reconcile/get in touch with those ppl you hardly talk to thingy..was all good i guess..oh we also had the "angel & mortal" thingy..janice was my mortal..i was nice okay..she didnt suspect that it was me at all..i got her ice cream..chocolate..food..notes..all that. yeah..that was on friday..then sat was more tamed..we just had two more sessions then we packed up and cleaned the place all that..we revealed ourselves to our mortals..then i realised why i had such a bad angel..she was a band girl and had to leave early..so she couldnt do anything for me. so sad )= yeah well..aft all that..headed to jo's hse to slack/read/eat/pick up smt..then headed home to wash up & do a lil cleaning. by then i was dead tired..

saturday night-
band concert.
--rushed around like a mad monkey..then managed to make it on time..somehow...then didnt really pay any attention to what was going on cause i was kept busy msg-ing SOMEONE who i was suppose to help sneak in..was stuck sitting in between two couples so irritating...then finally when lydia got in...met up with her during the intermission..sat together aft that..saw many pretty girls..lols. as in everyone i knew looked great la..we sat with two couples AGAIN. swear ytd was my day la..but having *ahams there made things ALOT better.. *smirks* yes so lydia had to leave early..sent her down but had to take that scary lift... then i was like "eh what if we get stuck in here arh?" she told me to shut up..cause she was really scared of this kinda things. ahaha. yeah but then when i had to come up by myself..and i got a lil spooked too...ahaha im such a wimp. (=
okay i was moody off and on after that dont ask what happened..i was just being touchy i just. too sensitve sometimes. but i cant help it i guess...hmmms. yeah so we headed for real late dinner...and due to our indecisiveness.. (which btw i cant stand) we only ate at 10.40pm liddat..at cini cafe..which btw the ppl working there suck cause they made me wait so long, then when my food finally came..they didnt give my my fork and spoon! humph! yeah..okay so i only reached home after 12 la...dad was so cute he was scared smt happen to me..he came down to fatch me?? i mean like what can happen to me? seriously..ohwells..chatted on the phone..till the monkey fell asleep on me..which took a grand total of what 10 mins? told you to go sleep but no..dont wanna listen. *shakes head* anyways..super sleepy..slept at only 1-ish..

today-
kyna thinks she damn funny know...msg me so early in the morning and woke me up from my beauty sleep! humph. yes msged awhile called her, then suddenly ming also called say got smt impt to tell me..then rushed to chuch..and here i am! yes a full boring update for the past few days..hactic sia..hmmms.

you!: your making me fall for you more and more. this aint a good thing you know. being that it mustn't/cannot happen. =/

ohwells. im so screwed for art tml! darn..i still dunno what to do guys!!! yes anyways.im so longwinded right? like some ah mah liddat! lols. ohwells..

sighs.

2005-01-26T19:07:00.000+08:00

arghh..matches are tml and mitch is scared =/
the jerseys are too big. not as in big that is nice. as in TOO BIGGG. seriously.
i tell you even if i had gotten medium it would've been too big, but now i have large?
okay so im not the only one suffering. BUT at least the rest are tall? im short AND yeah its too big. damn the man that provided us the jerseys. *grumbles* pls try to refrain from deflating my already deflated ego an further..and TRY not to laugh at me tml. i'll greatful eternally. =/

okay so i have three tests tml. accounts, bio and social studies. im so dead. *headach*

i cant understand it. it seems we're more then friends..but less then THAT person to each other? okay so maybe you might not think that way. maybe thats just my head feeding me rubbish thoughts. dont keep asking me to stop being nice to you. firstly, its not something i think through..as in its like you know in bio? what i do for you is an involuntary action. yeah thats it.. *smirks* secondly do you really want me to stop being nice to you? how'd you react if i werent like how i am to you now? okay so maybe you'd be happier? i dunno..only you can answer that.

alright im going to mug and frown upon my fate that is my books tonight. looks like me suppose to be having an early night to prepare for tml's game is outta the question. =/ bye all.

2005-01-24T19:15:00.000+08:00

im breaking out in sweat,
but no. im not running.

im pulling my hair out,
but no. im not pissed with the hairdresser.

im about to cry in frustration,
but no. no one's to blame (something is though)

im about ready to give up,
but no. i was not ditched. again.

im about to go crazy,
but no. im not losing my marbles.

all this because..

art. art. ART. arghh. =(
it making me frown. making me grumpy.

how? im so damn screwed. we've gotta finish FIVE A3 pieces of skatches. no not one picture a piece. *groans* please note i havent done A N Y..im dead *sighs* plus all these is gonna build the foundation for my O'LEVELS ART FINAL PIECE. how??? im damn scared la. i HAVE to do well for art. i cannot afford not to.

sighs. im really starting to feel like im not good in anything. everyone says we all have at least one talent? im starting to believe i dont. either that or my talent aint gotta do with anything im doing in school right now. sighs. help me please. okay nvm no one's gonna help me. no thunder bolt is gonna suddenly strike my head and make me smart. alright guys...just pray that this will be short and painless for me..i only i had more time..or at least some general idea of what to do..instead, all i have to accompany me on my long walk to the art room tml is a couple of blank sheets of paper..and an even emptier mind.

im really starting to doubt the existance of that thing called brain matter thats suppose to be inbetween my ears. *knocks head* hmmms seems hollow? =/

2005-01-21T22:28:00.000+08:00

okay guys im really sorry.
i've tot about it and i guess that yeah.
we've got issues and not alot of time to solve them.
i understand now that i played a part.
and i AM part of the reason there's even an issue.
actually to admit it. i AM the issue.
and im sorry. i was upset cause i didnt like how u guys approached me.
i think im starting to understand now where you guys were coming from.
zone coms are starting and im starting to feel the pinch.
and the fact that im not getting better is scaring me.
but i also feel its really impt that i try to get better.
which im not right now?
in fact its getting worst,
i seem to be coughing from my lungs now.
my mom thinks its chest/lungs infection.
she's damn angry with me.
i dunno man im scared.
but i assure u that im not going for outside training anymore.
so that i can try to get better.
i know i havent been training. i get that u guys feel that i've been M.I.A
from end last year. sorry. i'll be going down for wed's training.
yeah i hear u sam. we'll talk more on monday..
and i promise to handle myself better.
we've got issues. but im sure we'll be fine i aint got nothing against you guys yes?
haha yeah. ((=

sam: dude, im sorry, both to u and the others if i over reacted. and i wanted to leave u a note on u blog then realised that you got no tagg borad? haha.

*ming: aunt!! hahaha thanx a millon bunches for being there when i acted like an idiot. much love. (= *hugs

*lyds: hey you! haha what u mean i dont make full use of u being there? i do! i know your there and that's enough to make me smile. *smirks* -hugs.

2005-01-19T19:04:00.000+08:00

today was pretty much screwed up for me. im in a very bad mood. depressed. there's too much i've to handle right now and im not ready to take it all on. i wanna cry, but not out of sadness, okay maybe a lil. but its mostly outta frustration. i really dunno how to make yeh'll see..im not gonna explain myself to yeh'll, im gonna let this slide. i think it'll be easier for me to feel weird abt it then to make things weird for yeh'll. congrats to yeh'll. yeh'll some how managed to make me *** for the first time in this year. and also managed to be the first time im blogging about how im upset, that has nothing to do with my own problems,(okay actually they are my porblems but yeah..) rather it's gotta do with *ahams* i totally had no clue this was how yeh'll felt about me, i just wished things could've been explained better. but im too tired to explain to anyone my side of the story. im too tired to always have explain myself..think what u must. sighs. all i've to say in my defence is that, im sorry i sit out but really this prob i have, will not go away. im advice to stop completely. and if yeh'll think i like sitting out. ur wrong. anyways. thats all im gonna say. i just hope yeh'll know i've got alot on my mind right now..and i cant handle everything. i have my reasons for being the way i am. s o r r y. but i just hope the next time yeh'll got something to say yeh'll come stright to me. and not say anything to anyone else first. thanx.

lyds: hey silly girl, s o r r y about not blogging about ur present la, i was to overjoyed with it yes? yeah..thank you REALLY sssoooo much. i REALLY LOVE it. thanx yeah? take care of yourself yes? *hugs*

im always saying sorry? hmmms. sigh.

2005-01-19T10:24:00.000+08:00

yawns. i just woke up. gosh this medcine is making me sleep so much. rmb how i was afraid that i'd have trouble staying awkae in sch today? haha no real prob there. cause like first period is maths, okay la no so bad, still can 'ta han' then after that was p.e which i cannot take for some time due to this chest infection thingy. celest and caryn didnt take p.e either, so i choose to use celest's leg as my pillow. i TRIED so hard to sleep i tell you. BUT those two idiots refused to let me? they keep molesting me, poking me, annoying me. basically doing everything in their power to stop me from sleeping, to make matters worst. the medcine seemed to be taking its effect and i was dead tired.so okay that was that. after p.e came geog..coolnees la i think the fellow up there likes me. lols cause miss wan wasnt in school lols. i slept. and was damn stoned during recess i didnt eat wasnt hungry la. hmmms chinese after recess. i dont take chinese so slept again then one period of english and then three periods of art.. where my teacher again wasnt in school. lols i told you the fellow up there likes me? *smirks*

//peace out.

2005-01-18T09:57:00.000+08:00

yawns slept abt an hour? or less? going over to grand's for dinner soon.
just realise i keep shivering as if im cold, but then when i cover myself in blanket. i start to perspire? im weird. then when i take the blanket off i feel cold? so yes i was pulling the blanket off and on myself everytime i went to sleep? ohwells. *shugs*

2005-01-18T08:28:00.000+08:00

ugh. mitch is feeling sick. seriously la. everytime i get up from bed i feel giddy.

kinda sucks huh? think im going to sleep some more after i post this. woke up ard 9-ish today, washed up then headed to tp interchange to get some stuff. then to school to pass em' stuff to gen.

message to gen: thanx a bunch dude. i own yeh one *smirks*

ohwells. yes came home after that took my medcine. from then on i've been drifting in and out of sleep. i feel like throwing up, but then again, i havent eaten. making a lil bread for myself now. had one chicken pie just now since my medcine requires for me to eat before taking it. yeah besides all that crap, nothing much has been going for me.nothin's good. but nothin's real bad either. hope this will be a good year for me. hmmms. inbetween the time where im not sleeping..im thinking about 2004. and about what a year it was for me. painful.fun.stressful. alot of things happened. and im wondering if any of those things could have ended just a lil better? but then again im convinced it couldnt. sighs. i think too much sometimes.

i miss *you.

2005-01-17T13:24:00.000+08:00

i'll never understand how ur few words could make or break me.

i've come to realise now that im so easily swayed.

but i think those words weren't meant for me.

might have been sent wrongly? *shugs*

im sick. but does anyone care?

this stinks. i dont like this feeling.

sobs.

2005-01-17T09:32:00.000+08:00

oh man im sick. im feeling giddy and light headed, silly doc of mine gave me medcine that will make me sleepy. just finished doing some project work. i wanna sleep and i dont feel like eating. =/

tml got friendly match against navel base. its so unfair that i cant play. i might not even be going to school. )= screwed up know. just cause im getting a chest infection AGAIN. just like last year. im disguested with myself. im such a weakling! i've worked so hard. so damn hard to prove to my parents that i can study and have outside training AND school trainng..and now im sick?? stupid body. *grumbles* doc thinks i've stratched myself too thin. too much work. not enough rest?

i just cant stand sitting down and thinking that i cant play tml. grr..the last time we had a match with them i couldnt play properly cause of my hand. now this? this stinks. *sulks* AND BLOODY HELL TEN FREAKING DAYS?? not a l l o w e d to play? by then everything i've worked so hard for..all gone )= and then i might not get into the team? pls tell me this aint happening. i hate being sick. maybe im just oging a lil over bored with this. hmmms must by the medcine. okay im starting to not be able to see the key board properely. better go bfore i blank out. bye guys, *moans abt tml* )=

sighs/

2005-01-15T19:39:00.000+08:00

it's only the second week and already so many of us are feeling the stress. sec4 is really tough. =/ i dont like it. i have pratical/bball(?) on mondays, tuesdays i have night training till 10plus, on wednesdays i have training in school, then thursdays are my only free day, but like i gotta study, then fridays i have training again. oh man im just not used to all these la. it's so tiring now. i cant imagine when competations start la. but then again, that's is if i get into the team la. sighs i might not make it. =/

but seriously, im a born slacker, and now thorwing me into this lifestyle is totally killing me. im thinking about getting tution of maths and accounts. i wanna do well la. i cannot afford to not do well. hmmms actually i wanna do well enough to go to a jc, so that at least i have more options instead of barely making it to poly..expirence jc life for the first three months, then decide which i prefer, poly or jc..but i know that there's no way i can ever enter the ONLY jc i would want to go to. that is sajc. i wanna go there cause 1) from what i've seen i like it. 2) i like the school uniform. 3) they have a good bball team. ohwells. wishful thinking on my part.

alrite on to lighter topics..damnit tired now. i had sec1 orientation this morning. had to wake up so damn early. then the sec1s are so damn rude. and i found out that the peer support leaders have been telling the sec1s not to join basketball or your going to become lesbian. like what the fuck to you peer support leaders! i mean what the fuck was that suppose to mean?? are you telling me that only bballers are crook? pls la i swear other cca have alot more crook ppl? just casue we have short hair? just fuck of. making me angry only. *frowns* anyways. yeah then aft orientation, my class 5N did a fund raiser for the tsumnami victoms. today i was in the hot sun washing the car, till i've got sun burn on my arms. anyways. i wash this particular car for almost an hour! cause the owner donated 100 bucks? like woah la. me and crystal were extra careful with that car. i scrubbed off the greese, and all the muck till now my fingers are sore. =/ but i guess it was well worth it. the car was sparkling by the time we were done with it. hopefully we make enough to to help. i promise none goes into our pockets. we're doing it on wednesday again. for teacher's cars. ohwells. im tired now tata.

truth is.

2005-01-13T22:06:00.000+08:00

//its my birthday and i'll cry if i want to.

omg thanx guys. all those sweet sweet SWEET ppl that wished me. and those that got me smt. im touched.

i have no life. i came home today, bathe, sleep and then had dinner with my family, after dinner we walked ard. sometimes they drive me up the wall and yet other times..i love them to bits and tiny pieces.. *smirks*

sighs, in the pass two weeks that school has opened, i've done nothing, but study and have training. im too busy for anything else. i hardly even have ime to go out, cause even if i did have a lil spare time, i'd wanna rest. =/ ohwells. i made my choices now i gotta live with them. sighs.

i've been thinking too much again. this aint suppose to be on my mind. sighs. i need time. but i dont have it. =/ stupid. impossible. thoughts. i gotta stop this. it aint gonna happen in this life time. im not that lucky. i've lost my lucky star. i cant find it. =(

to the one above: keep me sane pls. =/

And all the feelings I thought were gone
Came rushing back to me at once
Tried to smile and hide the way I felt
But I was thinking to myself.

(Truth is) I never got over you
(Truth is) Wish I was standing in ~~her~~ shoes
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love(?) with you
(Truth is) I never should have let you go
(Truth is) And it's killing me cuz now I know
(Truth is) And when it's all said and done
Guess I’m still in love(?) with you

mommy just administered some cough medicine, i wonder if i'll die. i dunno how long that medicine has been ard. will it expire? *shugs* ohwells.

just know that i love..
ppgs, the monkey twit, aunt ming, miss piggie, and all my every dearest. (=

heartwarming.

2005-01-07T22:28:00.000+08:00

it's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me.
im thankful i got to know you too.
i'll be here anytime yes?

you never gave me saddness.
if anything, you made happy when i needed to be happy.
and for that, im thankful everyday.
the expirence with you made me grow a little.
im still learning to cope with the fact that its over, though it's been rather long.
but becasue of what happened. you've earned a special place in my heart.
you played a significant part in my life. im glad i cheered you up in little ways. always feel free to call me up or anything the door's never closed.
be happy. that's the greatest gift i could recieve from you.
and promise me you'll smile.
you've got a great smile, so fluant it.
trust me, if i could, i'd turn back time to.
i wish i could honestly.
and your welcome.
thanks for the joy and fun you brought me.
and for so many so many more things that i couldnt possibly say them all.
guess thank you would just have to surface.
take care of yourself.
and rmb i care.
much love.

disappearing.

2005-01-02T14:13:00.000+08:00

talk about love, a millon times it seems

the words come out our lips

like we're forgotten what it means

and we said we'd be together

till death do us part

but we said those words

with only half our hearts

happy birthday daddy!

2004-12-30T21:46:00.000+08:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY DADDY!!!

okay so today was alrite. except the part where i lacked so much sleep that i've come to reslemble a panda. hmms maybe we're related? lols.

okay so i slept at the unearthly hour of 3pm.
woke up at the equally unearthly hour of 7am.
all this just to have breakfast with my dear daddy.
came back and slept another hour.
woke up and bummed around.
bathe, changed and headed to have lunch with dad again.
sizzler's food was good..yumyum *licks lips*
yeah met gina, caryn & her lil bro for awhile..
rushed to get dad some things..
home to make the card then to grand's to surprise him.
okay i guess by his expression he was happy?
hmms.

other then that. it was rather boing. =/
i was thinking about the news and how many ppl have lost their life's,
or lost the one's they love and i realise we're lucky.
im lucky. i've got a semi functional family.
friends. and ppl i care for, and we're all okay.
we shouldnt waste time being angry with eachother
over petty things,
and we shouldnt wait to tell ppl how much we love them and care for them.
neither should we wait to show it with actions.
hmms.
the past events only prove and show how frail we all are.
and that we could die at any moment, any time.
i could drop dead tml for all i know.
i guess what im getting at is..
i should stop feeling sorry for myself.
im luckier then most.
it's time to try to stop being a loser.
hmmms.
ohwells.
just a thought. (=

schools starting. in (4)days.

until the day i die.

2004-12-29T03:08:00.000+08:00

wah..mitch is too lazy to type in both blogs? so lazy huh?
training last night was kinda slack? except for the run..it was like..WOAH.
i havent ran in so long then we suddenly ran the SLF route last night.
i nearly died.
but it was all good..
its amazing what basketball does for me.
i can just run around and play and train and be void of all thoughts.
have any of you guys felt that way doing something you love?
aint it just the greatest feeling? *grins*
when im on court. i leave everything else,
plesent or unplesent behind.
i can cry before coming for training but the moment i hit the courts,
everything melts in the background and isnt important
for that next four hours or so.

ohwells. progress for us yesterday. yay!
we finally got around to praticing shooting.
coach wants us to start right from the basis.
meaning for the past two months or so,
we havent done any shooting..well till now that is.
hahaha..it was shiok to train..
but im exhusted. =/
and im aching everywhere..
feeling like jello aint a good thing.
and daddy was so mean...humph.
he dont let me sleep in today.
"school starting in less then a weeks time you still sleep?!"

his exact words =/

heading to buy my books soon.

just waiting for my friend to comfirm with me

what books she as to give me

that i wont have to buy? yeah, thats about right.

ohwells. i'll blog later i guess. hmms.

//im sorry?

...

2004-12-28T12:56:00.000+08:00

i've spent an abnormally large amount of hours sleeping.

the pass few days have been seriously up and down.

one moment im very happy the next im dead sad?

ahahha. mitch is so losing it.

hmms i havent eaten yet..

im hungry..shall bring my bro down to eat soon.

ohwells.

(=

2004-12-27T21:31:00.000+08:00

wahahahahaaha.
im sssssssssssssssssssssssssssoooooooooooo happy????????
ahaha. i FINALLY slept enough today! i had what 11 hours of sleep? major make-up time? yes. havent been sleeping well of late? im loving the sleeping. okay so i have training tml and all i've been doing is eating like some pig? or worst, like a person stranded on some island for years and only just got to eat in the past week? man..this not suppose to play ball thing for at least six weeks is killing me? im into my fourth wekk and just dying. so you know what i dont care, im going to play on thursday..and i dont even know with who? ahaha. im in such a good mood lately. *beams*

i wanna go look for pugjelly's album!!! ohwells. hmmms. school's starting soon and i really cant wait. (= counting down..jo's birthday is this wedesday..i have no idea what to get her??! oh man, anyone know's what to get jo that wont burn a hole in my pocket? sighs. yanling's birthday is the day before. yeah.

today was funfunfun! after a good sleep *smirks* i woke up then, my uncle called and asked me and my bro to rush down to my grand's. then we took cab down to katong to play pool..luckly..the place wasnt too crowded. and we had to go so far cause that's the only place we know will let kids play and my cousins were underage. -im not..hees. so we played for five hours?? pure maddness i tell you..haha then me and my cousins spend like dunno how much close to thirty odd bucks on this machine that had so many fun games???? we were just going crazy la..and i think my cousin is a budding pro..and his only sec1 this year..yeah anyhows. i miss the ppgs. =/ hopefully we can meet soon? i havent seen them in what? ages? yeah. okay im now in my bro's room and watching harry potter/typing this.. and we've watched all three discs like ten thousand times in the last few days..i have no idea why too.. *chuckles* anyways. i think im starting to run outta things to type so im going now. bye (=

merry christmas.

2004-12-25T13:16:00.001+08:00

hohoho hello ppl!!!!
ahahahahahahaah
wahaahhahahahahaha.
mitch is feeling much much better right now.

mitch has a bad sore throat.. )=
i guess going carolling for two days when u already have a sore throat is a bad thing.
btw i just wanted to apologize for the last few days where mitch has been bad mood-ing the whole wrold. i didnt mean it. but i guess no one really knows he reason i got so upset. i was upset abt the present thingy. but smt else happened to me that day. and since i dont wanna say what it it i guess naturally i took it out of the present thingy. so yes whoever is angry with me or whatever. im sorry..

ohwells. family party later ahaha happy happy mitch. (= i swear my cousins are damnit cute. oh and thanx to all the ppl that got me smt alrite? but those who havent pls dont bother to. (= also thanx to all who wished me last night. man funny stuff. i was having mid-night mass somemore..
but mitch is thankful yes?

i think im falling sick..

oh i found out that "phantom of the opera" started le.. i wana watch!!!! lols. but first i gotta find the cash lols.

hmms. think i kinda overreacted about the thingy. im sorry guys. was just having a major bad day. wahahaahhah.

im sorry. now just leave me alone.

2004-12-23T11:59:00.000+08:00

this is so super fcuked up, alrite..yes mitch is STUPID, DUMB, an ASS, an IDIOT. ok i bought a present that was really very ex..yeah im prob gonna go broke, parents gonna scold me if they found out. BUT, i already bought it. im sorry if im dumb, but if the scene were to replay itself again im sorry, but i'd still do it the same way? i'd have still bought it. im not buying it to try to win that person back, im not buying it with any motives except to make that person happy? ok so that's a dumb reason to spend so much..but that's me alrite?! im dumb, whatever. i know that person is attached..but does that mean that the moment i know the person is attached i wont like the person anymore? no, im sorry it aint that simple. trust me, i wish it was too..

f**k it la ok..why the hell am i saying sorry for my actions? WHY AM I ALWAYS APOLOGIZING FOR BEING ME? hell i'd do it again! and if anyone freaking cared about my feelings they wouldnt come down so hard on me? dont you guys know it hurts as it is? even without you guys ripping me apart with your words? making me feel dumb-er then i ALREADY felt? no really thanks.

i dont want everyone screaming at me to use my brains. i cant just stop liking someone like that. and even if i could i'd still have a soft spot for that person? i am whatever you wanna say i am. but that's that way i am. i didnt wanna buy persents in the first place but i mean so many ppl buying stuff for you? it aint right if i didnt get them anything right? I HATE CHIRSTMAS! i dont want presents. i wont want anything from anyone including all the hurtful remarks. i really could do without them.

no matter what you guys did, i dont ever remember telling you guys that you were stupid. im NOT gonna apologize for liking who i like. like how the hell did so many ppl know anyways? why is it the moment mitch buys a present like all you guys know? whatever okay. my life aint some open book for everyone who feels they wanna take a dig at it, to just start scribbling comments.. furthermore hurtful comments that are written in ink. it cant be erased. not one of you guys comforted me. NOT ONE.

i do know who are closest to me. and i WAS planning to go out with you guys to get you something. BUT since you guys were my cloest friends i had thought you could wait even if it would be a late present. come on la think about it, all those times i asked you guys out you guys were too busy for me too? and no matter how long it took for me to get you a birthday present, i got it in the end? i let you guys choose too. it just so happen that this time i had a lil money.. i just didnt really in-vision the tongue lashing that i got.

have you guys thought how i'd feel? how that person would have felt if the person knew? why must we always see the bad in ppl?? SO BLOODY HELL DONT COME A PRESCH TO ME ABOUT MY LACK OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT. you always see, mitch is dumb to do all these. and that person is just using her..why couldnt that person choose a cheaper present? why?why?why? why this and that. well let me tell you why. cause MITCH DID NOT PUT A BUDGET ON THAT PERSON. and why? mitch couldnt bring hrself to do so. SO... YES MITCH IS DUMB. whatever i dont care alrite? if there's anyone you guys wanna continue blaming. ITS ME. it aint that person. arite? so yes you wanna continue calling me? telling me what a shit head i am? just leave me a tag man, i'll give you my number..but just leave that person outta this. yeah ok now, everyone's got lots to talk about. im just so damn sick of it. hearing what a dumb ass i am all the time. NO ONE IS MAKING USE OF NO ONE ALRITE? WE ARE FEAKING HELL JUST FRIENDS! except that yeah mitch the IDIOT still freaking like that person? so if anyone should be blamed its me. and dont worry im not trying to spoil anything for that person. i may like that person but im just a friend. nothing more. im not hoping for more. everyone pls just disappear..

i'd really be thankful if you guys could give me a few days before calling a scolding me. i dont want to be shouting back in ppl's faces. just gimme some time alone. i didnt mean to hurt anyone in anyway. i just needed to let this all out. dont call my hp im turnng it off.